


wtf am ii even doiing

by VeetVoojagig



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Universe (based on), Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Trolls on Earth, But a lovable one, Dave is a Douchebag, M/M, Multi, NaNoWriMo, Polyamory, Ridiculous Bullshit, more characters added when I realize I'm going to use them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2018-08-28 12:45:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8446321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeetVoojagig/pseuds/VeetVoojagig
Summary: Sollux works in a coffee shop (and hates it), especially since customers can be such douchebags.Dave is an epic douchebag. Karkat is a successful novelist trying to get this director (what an epic douchebag) not to ruin his artistic vision when he makes a movie of his work.And some douchebag tried to give his matesprit his phone number while he was at work at the coffee shop.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I got roped into doing NaNoWriMo at the very last minute (aka this morning) and decided to pull an AU Homestuck fic out of my ass instead of doing anything serious. A joking conversation with my sister about Coffeeshop AUs and illegal aliens taking our jobs and Sollux trying to pronounce people's names inspired this monstrosity. I'll try to update regularly throughout the month, and maybe even finish it! 
> 
> Basically, I'm using this to force myself to write. 
> 
> The title was my working title (aka WTF am I even doing trying to participate in NaNoWriMo) but now translated into Sollux's quirk because really, WTF. I might change it if I come up with something better.

No one had noticed him yet. That was fairly uncommon, and he was enjoying it. Especially because no one was squealing and trying to talk to him yet, which left him plenty of time to listen every time the barista called out a name. “Thtathy” was his favorite thus far. “Charleth” had been decent. “Nikki” was boring because he didn’t butcher it. However, the look on his face when the girl had told him it was with two k’s was priceless. He’d pulled out his phone and snapped a shot of it for posterity. 

Trolls made the best faces. Seriously. It’s like they were made to be pissed off. All the fucking time. 

And then he was at the counter, placing an order for the most elaborate drink he could think of. And when the troll stopped staring at his with his weird red-and-blue eyes (seriously, were trolls even made that way, he’d never seen that before, and what was with the horns, those were actually pretty awesome, were they two sets or did the horns just branch immediately on leaving his head, he couldn’t tell with the mass of hair) and lifted his marker to the cup, he grinned and said “Sylvester S. Squigglesworth.” 

“You’re fucking thitting me,” the barista said right to his face. By now he could hear whispers behind him, someone must have taken note of his ridiculously bright but well tailored red suit and his trademarked shades. Plus making a scene in the middle of a crowded coffee house was destined to draw eyes. The barista, however, was still staring him down without recognition, which was pretty cool in itself. 

He grinned widely and spread his hands. “I don’t see you writing,” he said, raising his eyebrows above the dark aviators. 

A muttered curse followed and the marker moved across the cup quickly before he shoved it over to the line of drinks to be made.

There was a touch at his elbow, and he turned to look down at a blonde teenager, her tight shirt leaving little to the imagination. “Excuse me?” she asked breathlessly. “Are you… are you Dave Strider?”

“Nope,” he said instantly, his face expressionless. “Sylvester S. Squigglesworth. Esquire,” he added. “Hey,” he called to the barista troll, his mask breaking just slightly as a smirk curled one corner of his mouth, “add an Esquire to that.” 

A pair of middle fingers was the only response given. Wow, this was the best day ever. He’d have to come back to this place, seriously. He couldn’t believe this guy still had a job if he pulled this shit a lot. And fuck, was he glad this guy still had a job and was pulling this shit. 

“Jesus, Sollux, I still can’t read your handwriting, this is why you have to do register and call out shit as well,” the girl making the drinks said, pushing a cup into his hand. 

The girl at Dave’s elbow was babbling excitedly, but his attention was suddenly all on the young troll. Strange dual-colored eyes met his, or rather, his shades, and a mouthful of razor sharp fangs opened in a snarl. “Inthufferable prick,” he called out, shoving the cup across the counter at him. 

He grabbed the drink and twisted it, actually grinning as he saw “iin2ufferable priick” scrawled across it. “See, this is why this country’s going to hell,” he explained loudly to the rapt fan, showing her the cup. “All these illegal aliens, coming in and stealing our jobs, can’t even write American or spell a simple name like Sylvester. Fuck that shit, man.” 

“I have paperth, you monumental douchebag,” the troll spat, “and no one wantth thith thitty job leth than I do. Oh, and you can all fuck yourthelveth,” he added to the several other customers who had their phones up, recording the incident. Fuck yes, he was going to be all over the internet. Again. 

Dave grabbed a napkin and reached across the counter, snatching the Sharpie before the troll could react. “Let me make it up to you,” he said. He quickly scrawled “iin2ufferable priick” across the napkin along with his phone number. For a moment he thought the guy (Sollux? That was what the girl called him, right?) wouldn’t take it, but then he slowly picked up the napkin and glanced at it. He looked up at Dave, completely incredulous, then slowly balled up the paper and shoved it in his mouth, chewing it easily with those monster teeth. 

His superfan gasped; she obviously would have killed to have access to that slip of paper. Even Dave was slightly shocked. “Ouch, man. Cold. So cold. I need a fresh coffee, you’ve dunked mine in ice and ruined it.” 

“Get the fuck out of my thtore.” 

Dave took a lingering sip of his coffee, waved at his fans, and turned sauntering away. 

 

 

In his office, he set the empty paper cup on a shelf next to one of his prestigious film awards, turned so that “iin2ufferable priick” was turned outwards. Perfect. He dropped into his chair and put his feet up on the desk, pulling out his phone and posting the picture he’d taken of the troll onto his Twitter with the caption “best barista ive ever had.” He followed it up quickly with a picture of the cup in its new home. 

He was actually kind of sad that he wouldn’t be getting that phone call. Instead, when his phone went off it was all business. “Hey, Karks, how’s it going?” he asked, leaning back in his chair. “Did you see the revisions to the screenplay?” 

“Yes, I saw the goddamn revisions, and your assholes are trying to ruin the complete fucking integrity of the whole story!” the angry voice shouted over the airwaves. Dave held the phone a little from his ear, grinning. 

“Well, we’ll have to fix that, won’t we?” he asked. “Can’t ruin the complete fucking integrity. I told them, only half the integrity, three fifths at the most. One hundred percent, that is fucked up.” 

A low growl came from the other end of the line. “Strider, I am marking a lot of shit on this screenplay, and if it’s not fixed, this whole bullshit experiment is off and you can find another sad sack of shit to rip off for your personal aggrandizement.”

“Naw, man, I told you, this is my niece’s favorite book, well, other than the monstrosities her mom writes. And you should be flattered by that, since not a single wizard graces the pristine pages of _In The Darkest Night._ And I missed her birthday last year, so I have to make it up to her for this year. So, yeah, we want you happy with it, obviously, or else Rox is going to rip it apart.” Dave grinned. He wasn’t even lying there. His only goal here was making something for his darling niece on her eighteenth birthday. Though frankly he was enjoying his new association with famed author Karkat Vantas, purveyor of overly sentimental romantic nonsense. 

He was pretty sure that Roxy’s main fascination was due to the troll notion of sexuality leading to several instances of hot boys kissing. 

Dave, personally, liked that there were occasionally human/troll relationships in Vantas’s work. Not often enough to be considered “niche” or “edgy,” but enough to show that it wasn’t, like, a huge perv show if someone wanted to get a little xeno going on.

Okay, so he thought trolls were fucking hot, was that an issue? 

He so hadn’t admitted to Vantas that he actually read his books. More than, you know, he needed to to make a movie out of this one. 

This whole time Karkat had been ranting about something, and Dave snapped his mind back to the conversation. “Look, yeah, okay,” he interrupted. “Seriously, send your notes back, and if they won’t listen, let me know and we’ll hire someone new. These guys were highly recommended, done a shit ton of work in romcoms in the past. But we can get my crew from SBAHJ on it if they don’t work out.”

“Oh, hell no, you’re lucky I’m letting YOU in on my artistic vision. I don’t want anyone who actually ruins movies writing my screenplay,” Vantas shouted.

“Love you too, man,” Dave answered. “I’ll have your people call my people, let’s do lunch.” He ignored Karkat’s indignant reply about that not making sense and pressed the end call button. 

 

 

“I’m going to quit, I thwear to fucking gog.”

Karkat looked up from the bundle of papers he was massacring with a red pen. “You can’t quit, you moron, it’s your third day. You need that job.” He rubbed his forehead in exasperation. “And it’s your third fucking job in six weeks.”

“No, you know what, fuck it. I’ll thit around the hive all day being your trophy matethprit.” Sollux paced around the room, scowling at everything. “I’ll eat all the ithe cream I can thtomach and get fat.”

“You won’t be a very good trophy matesprit, then,” Karkat said acidically, going back to his work. “I’d have to leave you for someone younger who eats less ice cream.”

Sollux actually paused at that, his face betraying shock. “No, you wouldn’t do that, would you? Come on, you wouldn’t…” 

A long-suffering sigh escaped him. “Sollux, you idiot. I love you. And no, I won’t leave you if you get fat. It’d make me look bad. I mean, a romance writer who has shitty relationships? Please. I’d be laughed off the fucking planet. But you need to keep this job. You get in trouble if you’re alone in the hive, and I’m too busy to watch over you all the time. Especially with this goddamn movie fiasco.” 

He pushed his papers aside and reached out towards the other troll. Sollux moved over and sat in his lap, all skin and bones and easy enough for the shorter troll to hold up. He slid his arms around him and nuzzled his shoulder. “You want to tell me about it?” he asked softly. “Maybe you can get past it.”

“Ugh.” Sollux buried his nose in Karkat’s hair, right between his nubby little horns. “The whole fucking job thuckth,” he said. “Lethlie’th thuch a bitch, and the’th alwayth giving me that ‘trollth aren’t ath good ath the retht of uth’ look. And the cuthtomerth, oh my fucking gog, don’t even thtart me on thothe athholeth.” 

“Fuck them,” Karkat agreed, rubbing Sollux’s back. “People suck, especially people who just think of you as a walking coffee maker. Fuck them in every orifice they’ve got.” 

That brought a small grin to Sollux’s face, as Karkat intended. “Fuck, today wath awful, though,” he went on with a sigh. “Thith one douchelord wath making fun of my lithp, like he could ever pronounth Alternian correctly, right? But it turnth out he’th thome big thot tho people were fucking filming me and I lotht my thit.” He pulled back and looked down into Karkat’s eyes. “Tho, yeah, if thomehow my both findth that thit online I’m probably fired anyway.” 

Karkat wrapped his arms tightly around his matesprit. “Fuck,” he growled. “Hey, don’t worry, we’ll figure it out. Maybe I can get you a job in show business somehow, being someone’s assistant. I’m connected now.”

A rude noise was Sollux’s only response. 

“Fine, fuck you, then. Burger King it is.” Karkat crosses his arms over his chest, having to push Sollux back a little to be able to do so. He was dedicated to his tantrums, after all. No one would get in the way of a good arm cross. 

“I hate Burger King.”

“More than you hate the coffee place?” Karkat rolled his eyes. 

“Fuck that, can’t I hate them both?” Sollux asked. “Whatth for dinner?”

Karkat smiled slightly. He couldn’t stay annoyed at his matesprit, even at his most cantankerous. “There’s a grubroast in the oven, it’ll be done in ten minutes.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Sollux smiled and kissed him softly. “You’re the best matesprit.”

“Yeah, that’s why you need to work. If you stayed in the hive all day YOU would be expected to cook.” Karkat laughed softly. “Hell, I had work I needed to do, and instead I cooked dinner for you.”

Sollux snorted. “You wouldn’t make me cook. You like not erupting like a vomit volcano.” 

“Fuck. You couldn’t leave that imagery until after dinner, could you.”

“Nope.” Sollux grinned and nuzzled Karkat’s hair. 

His matesprit was infuriating. He wouldn’t have it any other way. 

 

 

“You know the wortht part?” Sollux asked later, over their dinner of grubroast and baked tubers with cheese sauce.

Karkat sighed. “No, I don’t know the worst part,” he said. “But you’re going to tell me the worst part in depth.”

Sollux flipped him off. “Oh, like you don’t rant for hours on what pitheth you off.”

He shrugged. That was a fair point. “Yeah, all right, so what the fuck was the worst part?”

“That douchebag I told you about? He tried to give me hith fucking phone number. Like I would fucking call him. You know humanth don’t do pitch, tho he was totally tholithiting me fluthed, and he didn’t even athk if I had a matethprit. Or like I’d ever fluth for someone who wath thuch an athhole.”

“You’re flushed for me,” Karkat pointed out, though he was annoyed on his matesprit’s behalf. He wasn’t jealous, fuck that. Sollux would never cheat on him, he knew that. “Don’t worry about it. He can go fuck himself. He probably has to, anyway. That’s probably his fucking problem.” 

Sollux gave a snort of laughter. “Yeah. He’th probably got a date with hith hand tonight.”

“Exactly.” Karkat grinned across the table. “Whereas you might actually get lucky. If you do the dishes.”

“Aww, fuck, Karkat, why do you alwayth pull that thit?”

“Do the dishes, Sollux.”

“Fine.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens, Dave douches around some more. Dave talks on phones.

“Dave Strider, the scourge of the working classes. How do you walk down the street of an evening without copious minimum wage workers flinging themselves into traffic to avoid your ineffable brand of bullshit?” 

Dave grinned, laying back on his bed with the phone on his ear, his other hand carefully removing his sunglasses and laying them reverently on the stand made specifically for this purpose on the table beside the bed. “Sup, Rose?” he asked. “You saw the vids, then?” 

“For some reason people like to send me video evidence of my brother being an ass,” came the sardonic reply. “Despite my repeated claims not to need any such, given that I have, with my own two eyes, seen this assitude happen time and time again. The ass pile, as they say, don’t stop getting taller with every word that drops from your sweet lips.” 

He could tell that his sister was amused. “Yeah, whatever, I don’t understand a single thing you say, ever, because wow, all those words, but he was super cute, wasn’t he?” 

A thoughtful hum followed his question, trailing into a moment of silence. “I know that you enjoyed many of the lessons you learned in kindergarten, dear brother, but it’s generally accepted that, once you reach adulthood, there are better ways to show you like someone than public humiliation. Of course, far be it from me to try to crimp your sweet style, broseph.” 

“So you don’t think he’s gonna call me.”

“Dave, he ate your phone number.”

“That’s a bad sign?” Dave sighed melodramatically, masking his genuine disappointment. Not that he needed Rose to tell him he didn’t have a chance in hell, obviously, he wasn’t as dumb as he liked to pretend to be. But… there’d been something about that troll. He didn’t back down. When the world was being shitty he told the world to fuck off. And he didn’t give a flying fuck who Dave Strider was. 

He wished he could get to know him.

“Probably,” Rose said offhandedly. “But by all means, go back to the establishment and try again. I’m sure someone will get your horrific demise on film for us.” 

“Sweet, I knew I could count on you. Hey, send Rox out to L.A. for her birthday,” Dave went on, jumping subjects like he was a fucking double dutch champion. 

There was an indignant sound from his sister. “And why would I send my daughter to you for the most important day of the year?” she said.

He couldn’t help but grin as he answered. “I’ve got a present for her,” he said.

“Then mail it like a sensible person,” she said dryly, her tone correctly indicating that expecting sense from Dave was more futile than expecting a wizard not to stroke his beard. 

“Yeah, yeah, I thought about that,” he said flippantly, “but I’m pretty sure mailing a dude is illegal, though fuck, that’d be hilarious, I’m going to do it.” He laughed, picturing it in his head. Oh yeah. 

There was a moment of silence. “Wait, what?” Rose demanded, and Dave could hear the raised eyebrows. “Are you saying you got my young daughter a concubine?” 

Dave sat up and grabbed the remote, flipping on the TV and randomly switching channels. “Dude. Dude, Rose, I totally should have gotten her a porcupine. She’d have loved that. But no, I’m going to let her meet her second favorite author. The one who writes stuff the general public can understand. And let her see the screenplay for the movie version of her favorite one. Oh, and show her around set, if we’ve gotten that far by then. You know. Standard eighteenth birthday activities. I’m not going to be able to keep the project under wraps much longer.”

“Let me get this straight, David Roseanne Strider--”

“That’s not my middle name.”

“David Roseanne Strider,” she went on, unperturbed. “You are making my teenage daughter an entire Hollywood movie for her birthday?”

Dave shrugged. “I thought she’d like it.”

“Oh, it is ON,” she said, and then there was silence on the line. 

He laughed and leaned back to watch TV until he fell asleep. 

 

 

Sollux slammed the door and stormed into the hive. Fuck, it was a good thing Karkat wasn’t home this afternoon, he would really chew him out for this shit. 

He couldn’t believe Leslie-that-bitch had ratted him out to the manager. Talking about his “poor attitude” and how he didn’t kiss the customers’ asses all the fucking time, and, oh, yeah, she’d gone and shown him the fucking video that had gone viral in the last day and a half. 

Fuck, he’d just tell Karkat he quit. If he knew the truth, he’d want to go down and yell at the manager, and while that would be fucking hilarious, it would be a waste of time, and his matesprit already had too little time to spare. Sollux would take the blame for the situation. As stupid as it was, his behavior was pretty much the root of the problem. Other than insufferable pricks. 

But he could deal with that. 

 

 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
TA: go fuck your2elf you pe2tiilent douchelord  
TA: iin whatever di2gu2tiing human oriifiice2 you have  
TA: youre male riight 2o youre lackiing the iimportant one  
TA: 2uck2 two be you  
TG: howd you get this chumhandle  
TG: i mean youve obviously met me pestilent douchelord seems legit  
TG: but i dont go handing this shit out like cheap cigars this be straight up cuban shit crossing your embargo smoking in backrooms dont let the president find out shit  
TG: but seriously wtf  
TA: you gave me your phone number a22hole  
TA: 2o ii hacked your phone and got the logiin iinfo for all your account2  
TA: your 2ecuriity2 a joke  
TG: wait i recognize this shit  
TG: youre the guy from the coffee shithole  
TG: sollocks wasnt it  
TG: i thought you ate my number like it was porterhouse steak  
TG: succulent and juicy  
TG: too good to leave any scraps so you could actually call the dude sitting by the phone in tears  
TG: waiting for his prince charming  
TA: ugh ii 2aw iit before ii de2troyed iit iit2 not liike ii wa2 planniing on ever calliing you  
TG: thats cool i was gonna go by tomorrow anyway  
TA: ii wont be there  
TA: thank2 for gettiing me fiired you iin2ufferable priick  
TG: what thats awful  
TG: you were too cool  
TG: the coffee was shitty  
TG: fuck now where am i going to go tomorrow  
TA: iim 2orry you have two choose between boriing 2hiity coffee hou2e2 whiile ii fiigure out how not two 2tarve  
TA: 2eriou2ly go fuck your2elf  
TG: you need a job  
TG: i know a guy who knows a guy  
TG: probably  
TG: most guys know someone  
TA: do you even fuckiing lii2ten two your2elf  
TA: fuck off and dont fuckiing talk two me ever agaiin  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]\--  


 

  “So, I got his chumhandle,” Dave said into his phone as he bounced down the stairs of his apartment complex. It was not the kind of place you’d expect to find someone with his level of success; he’d moved in when he’d first hit the city, wanting to make the most hilariously bad movies a man could possibly make. And after that, it hadn’t seemed worth moving out. He didn’t need much space. All his weird crap had displays in his office. There was a bedroom for his little bro when he was staying with him. What else did he need? So what if it was falling down a little. He covered the peeling paint with posters and priceless Strider sketches. Good backdrop for selfies. 

   “Do you know what I love most about our conversations?” Rose answered without pause. “They always seem to start before you actually call me, sometimes by as much as an hour. That’s an impressive amount of dedication to these conversations, preparing that much in advance. Why don’t you catch me up on what I missed before you dialed the call?” 

  “Jeeze, Rose, keep up. My troll, I got his chumhandle. But he blocked me, so I’ll have to, like, make a new account to hit him up. Should I do that?” He walked down to the corner and took a right. 

  Rose’s weary sighs should get an Academy Award all to themselves. So weak and put-upon they wouldn’t even be able to lift the statue on their own. Poor things. “So that’s a no?” Dave went on, taking a left three blocks down, moving lithely through the foot traffic. 

  “There are so many questions that need to be asked right now, Dave, and that is not one of them. That answer is standing in plain sight. Should you hassle the person who blocked you? No, I don’t think you should. But you’re probably going to anyway. The bigger question, Dave, is how did you get his chumhandle and what provoked you to bothering him enough to be blocked in the first place?” The exasperation in her voice was, frankly, something he was accustomed to. That was how she sounded when she spoke to him. It was her “Davetalk” voice. 

  He crossed the street at the next intersection and took a left. “Hey, I didn’t do anything. He messaged me.” He tipped his head, frowning slightly. “Oh, yeah. He apparently hacked my phone and got my chumhandle that way. Kinda cool, actually. I have a stalker.” 

  “Congratulations,” his sister said dryly. “Did you check to make sure your hackstalker didn’t clear out your bank account as well?” 

  “Eh, there was a charge to some fancy soda company, but nothing extravagant.” He shrugged; the guy was more interested in proving a point than getting rich off him, it seemed. And it was fucking hilarious. “I’m leaving that line of communication open.”

  “So, you’re being his sugar daddy without even getting the, shall we say, bow-chicka-wow-wow.” 

  “Yeah, it works. We’ll go with that.”

  Rose sighed. “Well, I can see that you’re fixated on this course of action, so I’ll say no more.”

  Dave hit the street his office was on four blocks further than he was supposed to be, which meant he would have to backtrack slightly, but that was cool. He never took the same route when he walked, not out of paranoia, but because it was more interesting this way. Even when he was on the phone, like today, he liked watching the people. He liked being part of a crowd. And if he took a winding walk every day, he found all sorts of new things. 

  “Hey, I’m almost to work,” he said, switching the phone to his other ear. “Got a message from Dirk yesterday, he said to say hey.” 

  “Ahh, how is, let me see, ‘super genius space robot camp’ seems to be the official name for the program from what I can find in you previous missives, treating him?” 

  Dave laughed. “He’s having a blast, and he’ll probably take over the world and kill us all.” He grinned proudly; their younger brother was the same age as Rose’s daughter, which, yeah, was awkward, but what could you do? He was also some kind of insane genius and had asked to spend the summer in a NASA camp building robots and rockets and what the fuck ever happened in nerdsville. 

  “I’ll have to try to entice him to stay with me for a while between the cessation of his evil overlord training and the beginning of school next year,” Rose said. “If you are going to steal my daughter’s birthday from me, I’ll have to become our brother’s favorite instead.” 

  “Hey, not cool. Why the fuck can’t I do something nice for Rox without you getting into this passive agressive fuckery?” he griped, trying not to laugh. Pretty much it all ended up with them having the most spoiled kids there ever were. But they were happy, and didn’t get into the bad kind of trouble, so he wasn’t going to complain. “Anyway, fuck you, I’ve got to go.” 

  “Until next time, David. I’m buying Dirk a plane ticket.”

  He didn’t deign to respond, just shutting off the phone and tucking into his pocket (after his traditional selfie on the steps of his office’s building) and climbed up to the top floor. His door had stars he’d personally cut out of gold foil as unevenly as possible and taped to the wood as decoration. “It is me, I am the star,” he said with a grin as he let himself in. 

  “Mr. Strider, your one o’clock appointment is here,” his assistant said, handing him a glass of apple juice straight from the mini-fridge at the reception desk, indicating the waiting area behind him. 

  He turned and jumped comically as he saw Karkat Vantas standing there, arms crossed. “Fuck, you scared me. I thought I was going to get shanked or something. Steph, you can’t just let trolls in here, who the fuck knows what they’ll do. And it’s chill if you call me Dave, I told you that.”

  “Fuck you, Strider,” Vantas said, not giving a chance for Stephanie, who was really an awesome assistant, to answer anything. “I’ve been waiting for fifteen minutes, where the fuck have you been? Don’t tell me you’re just showing up now.” The troll was balling his fists, and Dave could swear he saw rage fumes evaporating off his forehead. Wow, this guy was intense. It was just incredible. He’d have to keep making his movies, just so he could watch this. 

  He gestured towards his office. “I was getting personal shit done, sorry. Hope you brought a lot of pens, because it’s time to make a motherfuckin’ masterpiece,” he added with a grin, nodding to the satchel the troll carried. “The rest of the writing crew’s not showing up for another hour, so we’ve got plenty of time to go over how awful they are together.” 

  Karkat actually smiled at that, and Dave felt his heart flutter. Shit. He had to stop hanging out with all these pretty trolls. No good would come of it, that was apparent. He sighed and made a mental note to draw a shitty comic about his poor, abused heart later.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date night between loving matesprits; Sollux needs someone to high-five.

Karkat was cautiously optimistic. It wasn’t a feeling he was used to. In his experience, things started looking up just so the world could take a more amusing dump on you later. But the meeting had gone well, and Strider had actually gone out of his way to prove that he cared about doing this right. He’d argued against the screenwriters when it mattered, showing a surprising knowledge of the source material, and, on the occasions when he sided with them over Karkat, he’d had solid points to make about cinematography or pacing for film that the troll had to concede to.  


That was the hardest thing to wrap his head around, honestly. Dave Strider was _smart._  


He couldn’t understand why he made such purposely bad movies, if he had all this talent in him. Strider could be making beautiful, thought provoking masterpieces, and instead the world was constantly inundated with Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff sequels. Was it the money? He was obviously raking it in, with all the merchandising and advertising and whatever the fuck.  


Karkat didn’t believe it. If money was his drive, he wouldn’t be wasting his time with this project, or, at least, he’d be arguing to put in unnecessary nude scenes or to cut back on the troll portions of the story, angling to bring in a larger human audience, since they were still the majority of the population.  


What the fuck was Dave Strider playing at?  


He supposed it didn’t really matter. He was finally getting his movie, something he’d wanted for a long time. He’d had an offer or two before, but he’d turned them down, not wanting to sell the rights to studios that rushed production and dropped projects easily.  


After the first couple of piles of inane drivel Strider called movies were such spectacular hits, he’d broken ties and started his own studio. And, while signing with him meant he’d have that name plastered all over his work, it also meant that they could literally do whatever they wanted. No studio head was going to fuck around with his masterpiece. All he had to worry about was Strider’s sense of humor.  


He was pretty sure he could handle it.  


Still lost in thought, he let himself into his hive--a small but classy place, better than some, but not some kind of ostentatious mansion. Even if he’d had the money for it, he wouldn’t be comfortable. He liked to think of himself as a simple man. There had been enough space for them to still have their own private areas when he invited his matesprit to move in with him in the human fashion, he his private study for writing and solitude, and an office space for Sollux to set up his computer equipment.  


A shriek was startled out of him when he walked into the entertainment block and saw a figure draped over the couch. Relief crashed over him as he recognized his flushed partner after a moment. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked as the other troll paused his game and set the controller aside. “You’re supposed to be working.”  


“Jeethe, KK, you thcream like a girl,” Sollux said, grinning up at him.  


“Fuck that, answer the question, jackass,” Karkat grumbled, dropping onto the couch beside him. He let Sollux gather him up against him, relaxing against his lover.  


Sollux’s fingers slid through his hair. “I quit. I told you I wath going to,” he said offhandedly.  


The shorter troll groaned, but couldn’t find it in him to get too mad, especially with those soft fingers soothing him. The bastard, he knew he could get away with it. “Sollux, you idiot, we talked about that.”  


He felt his lover shrug against him. “Whatever, KK. It jutht happened, okay? I’ll deal with it. There’th plenty of other platheth to work.”  


Karkat sighed. What Sollux really needed was a job in technology, but his attitude kept him from getting the certifications humans deemed so important. And he didn’t have the drive to start his own business. He’d rather just fuck around on the computer all day. Even now, when he was on the couch playing a video game on the console, he had his husktop set up on the table in front of him, running who knew what programs. “Are you going to get in trouble for anything?” he asked. Sollux couldn't have been there alone for more than a couple hours; hopefully that wasn’t long enough for him to get ‘hack into the government’ bored.  


“I won’t get in trouble if I don’t get caught,” Sollux answered, smirking. Before Karkat could object, he held up a hand. “I didn’t do anything. Well, much.” He shrugged. “Thouldn’t be a problem.”  


His eyes narrowed as he stared at Sollux, but he decided to let it go. He slid down to lay on the couch with his head on Sollux’s lap, letting the other troll keep playing with his hair as he closed his eyes. “Well, if you’re going to be home tonight, we can go out to dinner,” he said. “My treat,” he added, digging a little.  


If Sollux had had pupils, his eyes would be rolling. “It wath going to be your treat anyway, unleth you wanted to eat at the crappy diner down the thtreet. It’s half-prithed wing night.”  


“Ugh. No.” He reached up and pushed at Sollux’s cheek. “This movie deal is starting to look good, we’re going out to celebrate,” he said, grinning up at his matesprit. “It’s date night now.”  


Sollux moaned melodramatically. “Oh, fuck, we’re in the thit now.” He laughed and ruffled Karkat’s hair.  


Karkat flipped him off with both hands, smiling fondly up at him. 

 

\-- iin2ufferablePriick [IP] began pestering  twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
IP: hey  
IP: hey  
IP: hey  
IP: unblock me  
IP: well chat  
IP: and be awesome friends  
IP: come on sollocks  
TA: fuck off iim bu2y  
TA: and iit2 2ollux  


He glanced across the table at Karkat, who was engrossed in the menu and hadn’t yet realized that Sollux had his phone out, but that wouldn’t last long. Date night with a romance novelist meant that he had to be paying a lot of attention to his matesprit and had to measure up to whatever hero KK had made up in his head and written about last. Fuck romance novelists, really. Hehehe. He totally would tonight. Dammit, now he needed someone to high five.  


IP: come on unblock my real account  
IP: i just want to talk  
IP: and enkindle the magic of friendship  
TA: you are 2uch a douchebag wtf ii2 wrong wiith you  
TA: ii dont want two talk two you  
TA: wa2 that a fuckiing my liitle hoofbea2t reference oh my gog  
TA: you really are a tool  
IP: shut up my little brother likes it ok  
IP: look at that were sharing shits getting real  
IP: its like fuckin christmas up in here  
IP: and the presents are kindness and getting along and maybe hugs and shit  
IP: you and me bro were totally buds now  
TA: oh my gog ju2t 2hut up  


“Sollux.”  


He looked up from his phone, a panicked expression crossing his face. “Uh, yeah, KK?” he asked, trying to school his face into the picture of innocence.  


“Don’t give me that. You’re on your fucking phone, you nookwhiffer.” The shorter troll crossed his arms on the other side of the table, glaring at him.  


“Jutht for a thecond,” he said defensively.  


Karkat rubbed his forehead. “Sollux, I ordered for you. The waiter came and you didn’t even look up. What the fuck is so fucking important that you can’t wait until after dinner? Is it work? Oh, wait, no, you’re fucking unemployed. Again.” He slammed his fist down on the table and scowled.  


His shoulders slumped. “Yeah, okay. Thorry. Gimme a thec,” he said.  


TA: ok ok fiine jegu2  
TA: iill unblock you iif you leave me alone for the re2t of the niight  
TA: 2o fuck off  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling iin2ufferablePriick [IP] \--

 

He shoved his phone in his pocket. “Look, there, no phone. Are you happy?” He was pouting. He knew he was pouting, but he couldn’t stop. It wasn’t his fault, that asshole started it. Oh, he would tear him a new one tomorrow.  


“Ec-fucking-static,” Karkat groused. “If I see that thing out again I’m taking it from you, hear me?”  


“You’re not my luthuth,” Sollux said, but he flashed a smile. “Thorry, KK. Really. I’m good now. Tho, you’re happy about the movie thit now? I know you were freaking out for a bit.”  


The other troll shrugged, looking more adorable than sexy in his suit, but Sollux would never tell him that. He’d look sexy once the clothes were on the floor. That’d be nice. “Yeah, I guess. This guy might be an asshole, but he’s not an idiot, like I first thought. And he knows my book. At one point he was all ‘No, Mandy would never say that, she’s an astrophysicist, for fuck’s sake,’ when the screenwriters he’d brought in were trying to dumb her up. It was… nice, you know?”  


“Huh.” Sollux took a sip of his water and put an elbow on the table. “I gueth that thoundth cool. Tho you’re gonna be even richer and famouther now, right?”  


“Yeah, exactly. You still need to get a new job. I’m not having you underfoot all day while I try to write.”  


“Fuck.”  


Karkat smiled softly across the table at him, and reached for his hand. He held it gently and caressed the back with his thumb. “I do love you, idiot,” he murmured. “You need to get out of the hive for your own good. And you know you don’t actually want to be my boy toy, as the humans say. As if I were some kind of highblood, seriously. Fuck that.”  


“I’ll thow you what I can do in the hive,” Sollux said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.  


Karkat snorted. “Wow, that was smooth,” he said dryly. “I’m suddenly so aroused I don’t know what to do with myself. You’ll have to take me right here on the table.”  


“Aw, fuck yeah.”  


“Sollux, stop being an idiot.” But Karkat was still smiling, so he was still getting lucky tonight. Probably. Almost certainly. Unless he fucked something up. He grabbed Karkat’s hand and kissed his knuckles in the stupid romantic way he liked. “Love you,” he murmured huskily.  


The other troll blushed, mutant red seeping into his cheeks. “I love you too, Sollux,” he whispered.  


There was nothing better than out-romancing the romance writer. Whenever he could get that adorable look on his matesprit’s face, it felt like he’d scored two million points in whatever cosmic game the universe played with them all. Sollux grinned and squeezed his hand. “I know.”  


“Fuck you, was that Star Wars? You fucking nerd.”  


Sollux just laughed. 

 

Dave Strider stared at his computer screen, feeling inordinately pleased with himself. The really interesting (and admittedly kinda hot) troll was going to talk to him. And all he’d had to do was be his normal irritating self. Simple.  


He got up and wandered into the kitchen, pouring himself a goblet of apple juice. The goblet always made him feel classy. He liked to say it made the apple juice taste better, if anybody asked. They rarely did.  


Carrying his goblet into the living room, he flopped onto the couch and raised it in a mocking toast. “To my new troll friends,” he proclaimed. His mental image of Sollux, tall and wiry in his barista’s uniform, was quickly replaced with the shorter, stockier Karkat, smiling up at him so gorgeously as he had that afternoon. “Why the fuck you gotta be so choice, my bitches?” He laughed softly and threw back the glass, swallowing down his beloved nectar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to anyone reading my self indulgent nonsense. Glad to have you along for the ride!
> 
> Hell, got anything you'd like to see in the story, characters who should show up, anything? Drop a line and I'll see if I can work it in.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and Dave do lunch.

“Hey, Karks. Karks. Karks.”

“What is it?” he growled into the phone.

“Let’s do lunch.” 

“Seriously? Do people actually say that, or are you just being an asshole?”

“Both.” Karkat could almost hear Strider’s smug grin over the phone line. “What do you say? Let’s cement this business relationship into a beautiful friendship statue. With the cement. That’s what I’m saying.”

He felt his eyebrows drawing together, his forehead wrinkling in frustration. “Shut the fuck up, Strider. Fine. You can buy me lunch. But no weird hipster douchebag places, all right? And nothing flashy. I don’t care how much fucking money you have. I want comfort and good food, got it?”

“Yessir, Mr. Vantas, sir,” the director said quickly. 

Karkat almost smiled. “Right, then. Send me the directions and I’ll meet you there.” He ended the call and dropped his phone in his pocket. He moved over to the couch and leaned down, kissing Sollux on the cheek without interrupting his game. “I have to go to a business lunch for the movie, Sollux. You need to put in job applications today. I’ll call you in an hour. If you’re still playing here I’ll be really upset. Did you hear any of that?”

“Yeah, got it,” Sollux said, not looking up. “Buthineth, leaving me, jobth, blah blah.” 

He rolled his eyes. “I love you, too, Sollux.” 

“Uh huh.”

That was the best he was getting out of him. Karkat shook his head and went upstairs to change. 

 

 

The restaurant turned out to be a pizza place, small and family-run. Karkat nodded in approval as he looked around. He got a couple looks from some humans by the door, but a welcoming smile from the hostess, a girl probably about eighteen Earth years. As long as the establishment itself wasn’t anti-troll, he could deal with a handful of idiots. If they started anything, he’d tell them where they could shove it. Repeatedly, and in great detail. 

“I’m meeting someone,” he told the girl. “Tall asshole, always wears sunglasses. And… Oh, yeah, there he is. Always wears something completely ridiculous.” He snorted, staring across the room at the blonde man dressed in a bright green three-piece suit. “He wouldn’t know subtle if it bit him on the ass. Anyway, thanks, miss. I can get over there on my own.” 

He stomped over and slid into the booth across from the human. “You look like a fucking elf or something, fuckass. I’m embarrassed to be seen in public with you.” 

Dave smirked across the table at him. “What, this suit is the bomb. It’s the dopest suit I own. Well, top three, def.” 

“If you ever say any of those words again I’ll shove my foot down your mealtunnel,” Karkat growled, rubbing his forehead. 

“What, any of them? Shit, I said what. And I. Fuck, I can’t win here.” The human looked at him, the picture of wounded innocence. “I’m going to have to stop talking altogether. There’ll be weeping in the streets, people begging me to impart my wisdom, and I’ll just shake my head like some kind of mute asshole.”

Karkat stared at him. “What fucking wisdom? You talk like you’ve been snorting your human drugs. Who the taintchafing fuck would ask you to talk?”

“Aw, come on, you’re saying you don’t like the dulcet tones of my voice?” Dave lowered his sunglasses slightly, fluttering eyelashes ludicrously at him. Karkat’s heart stuttered. Fuck. That was… beautiful? No wonder he kept them covered. People would be swooning every time they looked at him. 

His cheeks heated, but he couldn’t turn away. Red. Red, just like his own. That wasn’t normal for humans. Fuck, it was a good thing it wasn’t. Humans shouldn’t be so gorgeous.

And Strider hadn’t moved. The two were still gazing into each other’s eyes, caught in that moment. He’d written a scene like this once, and his words hadn’t accurately described the intensity he was now experiencing. 

Oh, fuck. He gripped the edge of the table and forced his head down. Sollux. Oh, fuck, Sollux. He couldn’t believe he’d almost let himself get swept away like that. Why the hell was he flushing for this asshole when he had a beautiful, wonderful asshole of a matesprit already? 

He made himself look up again, not quite meeting Strider’s eyes. Just go on with everything. Pretend this had never happened. Maybe he wouldn’t notice. It’s not like this was the first time Strider had bullshit-flirted with him before. He was always fucking bullshit-flirting. It had just never gotten to him before. “So, what did you want to talk about?” he asked, keeping his voice as level as possible, suppressing the breathless hitch that threatened to mar his speech. 

Dave slid his sunglasses back up his nose. “Nothing in particular, bro, just wanted to make us the choicest of bros if we’re going to be working together for a while. I mean, if this one goes well, I’d kinda like to take a stab at more of your books. They’re great stories, compelling characters and shit, I could do a lot with that material. I mean, if you’d let me. We could write a sequel to _In The Darkest Night._ ” He grinned and leaned back in his booth. “ _In The Darkest Night 2: Back to The Dark. Return of the Dark. Night 2 Dark Harder._ ” 

“No, Strider. No. Just shut your gaping seedflap.” Karkat pressed a hand to his face, but he couldn’t hide the snort of laughter that escaped him. 

“But really, I wanna do more of your books. Like, _The Stars Are Falling_ had that scene, you know, where Jandri Opelon was declaring his love for the human girl, despite the rest of his highblood family being against it, that was beautiful. I think we could get some amazing sets for that shot.” 

Karkat raised his eyebrow sharply. “You actually read my books,” he said. 

Dave held up his hands. “Whoa now, that’s libel. How dare you accuse me of anything like that. I’m going to call my lawyer, he’ll be down on your ass so hard you’ll think your ass is a pancake.” 

“Strider…” 

“Yeah, okay, I had to make sure they were appropriate for my niece to be reading. Impressionable young minds and all. They so are not, you know. Troll sex is nasty.” He grinned and leaned across the table. “Really good books, though.” 

The troll tipped his head and crossed his arms. “Obviously you still let her read them, or you wouldn’t be doing this insane movie thing for her, like you kept telling me.”

A laugh fell from the man’s lips. “Yeah, well, her mom’s standards of appropriate have more to do with the quality of the literature itself and not the trashiness of the sex. Straight up porn is fine as long as it doesn’t have purple prose.” When Karkat looked skeptical, he went on. “Her mom’s Rose Lalonde.” 

His eyes widened. “The crazy woman with all those books no one can ever get through with the ridiculously named wizards?”

Dave laughed again. “Exactly. She’s my sister.” 

“I heard there was a movie deal out for those,” Karkat said, frowning. “You’re not making them?”

“Fuck no, I can’t read that shit. Don’t understand a word of them,” Strider said. “Plus, she said if I went anywhere near the project she’d set my hair on fire.” He slid a hand through his blonde locks. “And that would be a crime against humanity, depriving them of this beauty.” 

The troll snorted, even as his eyes followed the motion. “You’re such a fucking tool. How does anyone ever take you seriously?”

“No idea.” His eyebrows waggled above his sunglasses. “It’s amazing, isn’t it? People actually letting me do shit when it’s obvious I’m just a piece of trash? Best thing ever. Fucking poetic, even.” 

He had a momentary urge to protest that Strider wasn’t a piece of trash--well, at least, not _just_ a piece of trash. As awful as he could be, he was still taking good care of Karkat’s work. That said something. But he held his tongue. He certainly did not need to invite closeness right now. He needed to sort out these ridiculous feelings and get rid of them. 

So instead he just snorted again. “That’s Hollywood for you,” he said. “Putting the most useless examples of sentient life--if you can call it that--on a pedestal, and telling the world _this is what you should be._ ” He gestured expansively. “That’s why some of my characters aren’t built like gods, why they’re flawed and broken,” he said. He brought his hand up and pointed into Strider’s face. “And when we get to casting, if we don’t have some normal looking slobs in there, I’m going to pitch the biggest shitfit you’ve ever seen, do you hear me? My shit will be flipped so hard it’ll burn up on re-entry. The astronomers will name it Karkat’s Shitfit Comet and it’ll orbit this shithole planet every eight hundred fucking sweeps before it crashes into your lawnring and explodes.”

“Hey, chill, dude.” Dave spread his arms placatingly. “I want you in on the casting. I’ve got some pretty good idea of what we’re looking for, but I’d probably be tempted to grab a couple hulking beefcakes from off the covers of your first couple books. I mean, seriously, what the fuck was up with those dudes?” he went on, laughing. 

Karkat rubbed his forehead. “The publishing company did that, not me,” he spat. “They didn’t even let me see it until they were published. Luckily I hit it big enough that I could get out of that shithole and get more control over what they did with my shit.” 

“Can I throw a couple in the background just for shits and giggles? Please please please? For the fans of the old shit.” Dave leaned across the table, grinning. “Come on, please, it’ll be awesome, I promise. I will make it so fucking awesome.”

“Ugh. Shut up. We’ll talk about it,” he said. He gave a soft huff of amusement. Dave Strider was like an infant barkbeast, so energetic and adorable you just wanted to pet him, even if he’d just pissed over your priceless collection of first edition novels from Alternia that could never be replaced. 

Oh, shit, he was so fucked.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux unblocks the douchebag, Karkat has some moirail time, and Dave gets an earful of psychobabble.

\--  twinArmageddons [TA] has unblocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TA: all riight, you ragiing douche.  
TA: youre unblocked.  
TA: temporariily.  
TA: and ii regret iit already.  
TA: ii mu2t be the biige2t ma2ochii2t iin the fuckiing galaxy.  
TA: my miigraiine2 arent bad enough yet, ii need two lii2ten two thii2 eternal douchelord  
TA: ii gue22 iit2 thii2 or make a whole new account two e2cape you.  
TA: and fuck that noii2e.  
TG: oh hey  
TG: hows it going homie  
TG: good to hear from you  
TG: kind of thought you just said you would talk to me to get me off your back  
TA: ii diid.  
TA: but ii dont have anythiing better two do.  
TA: 2iince ii dont have a fuckiing job.  
TA: and iim not allowed two hack iinto 2hiit anymore.  
TG: aww man that sucks  
TG: what happened you get arrested  
TG: dont pass go dont collect 200 smackeroos  
TG: dont drop the soap  
TA: 2omethiing liike that.  
TA: al2o keep your nub iin your own fuckiing bu2iine22.  
TG: look dude im just trying to get to know you  
TG: like i dont know how to go about it normally  
TG: so i make an ass of myself  
TG: until you have to notice me  
TG: didnt mean to get you fired  
TG: that wasnt funny its super shitty  
TG: you get that super fancy soda you used my account to buy  
TG: how was it  
TA: wow you caught that.  
TA: heh.  
TA: better than ii thought.  
TA: ha2nt gotten here yet but iit2 goiing two rock.  
TA: iit2 the 2hiit.  
TA: ii dont buy iit my2elf becau2e 2hiipiing co2t2 liike thiirty buck2 a ca2e.  
TG: glad i could help dogg  
TG: that make up for any of the rest of it  
TA: iit barely make2 up for you calliing me dogg.  
TA: ii cant un2ee that.  
TA: the text ii2 2eariing my retiina2.  
TA: fuck ii thiink iim bliind.  
TG: chill dude i wont call you dogg then  
TG: sollux  
TG: man that must suck can you even say your own name  
TA: fuck you a22wiipe.  
TG: im dave btw  
TA: dont really care.  
TG: aw come on were trying to be friends here  
TG: dont be like that baby  
TG: you and me we can go the distance  
TG: to the best broship imaginable  
TA: 2tfu  
TA: why?  
TA: why the fuck do you want two be friiend2 2o fuckiing badly?  
TA: what2 wrong wiith you?  
TG: you just seem like a really cool dude  
TG: and maybe i just want someone to talk to  
TG: someone interesting  
TG: and hot  
TA: waiit, what?  
TA: are you hiitiing on me agaiin?  
TG: what no i just like having hot friends  
TG: or maybe  
TG: but mostly hot friends  
TA: ii have a mate2priit you a22hole.  
TG: well fuck hot friends it is then  
TG: cant blame me for trying youre pretty fucking awesome right  
TA: thank2? ii thiink?  
TG: so lets go out to dinner sometime  
TG: as friends  
TG: because thatd be pretty fucking sweet  
TA: uh, yeah, ii gue22?  
TA: iill alway2 take free food.  
TA: you cant make iit a date ju2t by wii2hiing really hard, you know.  
TG: yeah i got you bro  
TG: totally just chill bro times  
TG: me nursing my broken heart  
TG: you cackling evilly  
TG: itll be great  
TA: youre an iidiiot. but ok.  
TG: people say that a lot  
TG: tomorrow sound good  
TA: iill have two check.  
TA: make 2ure my mate2priit doe2nt have plan2.  
TG: good see you tomorrow then  
\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  twinArmageddons [TA] \--

 

 

Karkat rapped spastically on the door, pounding his knuckles desperately against the wood. He had gone straight there from his lunch with Dave Strider, his far too pleasant lunch with Dave Strider. 

The door swung open, and a tall, elegant, willowy woman gazed down at him. A smile crossed her face, displaying a pair of sharp fangs. “Karkat, my dear, hello.” Her expression turned to one of concern as she took in his appearance. “This isn’t a social call,” she said, stepping aside, grabbing his hand to draw him into the hive. “Come in, tell me what’s wrong.” She led him over to a pile of throw cushions strewn into a mess of bright colored lengths of fabric of various textures, most of them soft. 

He dropped down and closed his eyes, then opened them again. “Ow, fuck,” he said, rummaging down into the fabric near his hip and pulling out a pair of fabric scissors. 

“Oh, I was wondering where those got to,” Kanaya said pleasantly, taking them easily from his hand. 

“They got in my fucking skin is where they got,” Karkat grumbled, scowling. 

The woman sat beside him, reaching out to run a hand gently over his forehead. “Shh, love,” she said. “I’m sorry about that. But you really need to tell me why you’re upset.” 

He turned his head away, flushing. “I don’t… I… I almost cheated on Sollux.” 

“Oh dear.” Her hand moved slowly through his hair. “I don’t believe that. You’re quite devoted to your matesprit, you would never do such a thing.” 

He found himself relaxing under her touch, exactly as he was supposed to. His eyes drifted closed. “Mmm,” he murmured, sinking back into the cushions. He turned his head, following the movement of her hand. This was exactly what he needed. He let out a soft sigh. “Why the hell would I flush for that douche?” he asked, not lifting his head. “So what if his eyes are beautiful? He’s a jerk. Except… except he’s not, really. He’s kind of funny. And notices things, even when he’s pretending he’s too cool to pay attention to anything. And he likes my books. He said he didn’t, but he’s read them enough to talk about tiny plot points and things.” 

Kanaya’s cool hand moved smoothly over his cheek. “Oh, my. That does sound… flushed. Who is this interesting person?” 

“Dave fucking Strider,” he sighed. 

Her eyebrows quirked upwards. “The director of human movies?”

He nodded slowly. “We’ve been in talks about making one of my books into a movie. It’s… going well. Very well. I think… I think he’s actually the best person to handle my work. He cares about doing it right.” 

“Well, that’s good,” she said evenly. “I will look forward to seeing it.” She fell silent for a moment, stroking his hair. “Obviously you can’t avoid seeing him,” she said eventually. “You’ll have to be very careful, my darling.” 

“Fuck.” Karkat sat up, rubbing his eyes. “I’ll watch myself. Try not to be alone with him. Won’t stare into his eyes. Again.”

She smiled gently. “That’s good. Karkat, I know that, whatever you do, it’ll be what’s best for you. If… If you really want to be with this human… It could be a sign that things aren’t going well with Sollux. Maybe it’s time for a change.”

He pulled away quickly. “No!” he shouted. “Everything’s fucking fine with Sollux! I mean, he can’t hold down a fucking job, but that’s no reason to break up with him! I still love him. We’re doing well. I love spending time with him. He’s perfect, and I love him, and this is so fucking stupid!” He swiped a hand over his eyes, brushing away translucent red tears. 

“Shh, love, shhh,” she murmured, reaching out to stroke his cheek. “I know. I know. It just needed to be said. Think about it for a long time, all right? Don’t do anything rash. Perhaps you should talk to Sollux?”

“No,” he whispered hoarsely. “No, he can’t know about this. You know how he gets sometimes. He won’t believe that I’d pick him, with that fucking self hatred thing, you know, on his bad days.” 

Kanaya hummed placatingly. “If you think that’s best,” she said softly. “I know you would never hurt him.” She smiled gently, placing the back of her hand against his jaw. “Now, why don’t we watch a movie while you calm down enough to go back to your love?”

He nodded silently and curled up in a ball as she got up and chose a disc to put in the player. It didn’t matter which one, he knew she would pick one of his favorites. She always knew exactly what he needed. 

He had the best moirail ever. 

 

 

“Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose.”

“I am listening, David. I answered the phone and said ‘hello.’ That generally means that the recipient of the call is eagerly, or in my case, resignedly, awaiting further communication.” The words were followed by a dramatically weary sigh. “But by all means, continue repeating my name. Ritualistic chanting of my name grants me power beyond your wildest dreams.” 

Dave pulled a chair closer to the microwave, straddling it and resting his chin on the back of it so he could stare at the pizza rolls slowly spinning in the box. “My love life is so complicated, babe,” he said. “My platonic dates get steamy and my dates that are supposed to be hot gotta go bro-friendly instead. I don’t know what’s going on. I mean, obviously everyone be fallin’ for the Strider charm, that’s a given, but… fuck, I’ve got too many cute trolls. Why are my trolls so cute, Rose? I want to keep them all in my pocket. And then take them out for hot makeouts.” 

“Well, that is an image I never want to entertain again, thank you,” she answered drolly. 

“Yeah, well, fuck. I mean. Seriously.” He sighed. “Apparently my cute barista is seeing someone. But he’s talking to me again, and said he’d have dinner with me.”

His sister made a thoughtful noise. “That’s something, and explains part of your incomprehensible rant,” she said. “So, tell me about your steamy platonic date, then. And then I can help you wade through your morass of emotions and tell you what you actually want, other than ‘hot makeouts.’”

The microwave dinged and Dave’s hand shot out, pushing the door release and yanking the plate out. He kicked against the floor, scooting the chair across the kitchen to the table, where there was already a glass of apple juice waiting. “Yeah, so, it was like a casual business/social lunch meeting thing, but there was this bit… Fuck, I seriously wanted to kiss him. It was intense, man.” 

“You were going to kiss a work colleague? Ill-advised, take my word for it.” 

“You have no idea how fucking gorgeous Vantas is in person, though.” 

Rose was silent for a moment. “Please tell me you don’t have a crush on a celebrated novelist whose book you are turning into a feature film.”

“I wasn’t going to tell you.”

“But you do.”

Dave shoved a pizza roll into his mouth and talked around it. “Of course I do. He’s fucking gorgeous. And has a vocabulary like a sailor who used to be a trucker.” 

“Impressive.” 

“I know, right?” He sighed and ate another roll. “But yeah, he’s amazing, and Sollux is like this bundle of bad nerves and electricity, and he’s fucking gorgeous, too. But he’s seeing someone. I should probably just put the moves on Karkat. Or is that, like, immoral? Though I don’t know why I’m asking the Queen of Darkness about that.” 

A low chuckle answered that remark. “I’m glad you’re finally granting me my due,” she said. “And I already told you it was ill-advised, but I doubt you’ll listen to me. Good luck, brother dearest. In all your endeavours.” 

“Did you tell Roxy she’s coming to me for her birthday?”

“No, because she isn’t.”

Dave purposefully lifted his glass just so he could slam it down loud enough for her to hear. “Fuck that, I need her.” 

“So she can see you macking on her second favorite author?”

“Yeah, exactly.” Dave grinned and shoved another pizza roll into his gaping maw. “Come on, just this once. You can even come along if you want. I’ll set up a dark cave with high eaves for you to hang off of while you sleep.” 

“David, you are once again mistaking me for a cut-rate vampire, rather than a servant of the eldritch gods,” Rose said dryly. “Please don’t offend me as such again.” 

He rolled his eyes, even though she couldn’t see. “Yeah, whatever. I’ll buy you both tickets.”

“We’ll talk about it.” 

Giving a long sigh, he finished the rest of his snack and washed it down with apple juice. “Anyway, what should I do about my love life?”

“Mm,” Rose said, and he could picture her steepling her fingers together in an expert mimic of either a psychiatrist or stereotyped villain. “I think we should rather discuss your long-standing attraction to those of trollish persuasion. What does that say about you, do you think?”

The man snorted derisively. “It says that I like gray booty. That’s about it.” 

His sister repeated her ‘thoughtful psychiatrist’ noise. “I believe there’s more to it than that. You go out of your way to be unconventional. Is this perhaps an extension of that desire?”

“Rose, shut the fuck up.” He rubbed his forehead. “You’re giving me a headache with all this shrink talk. You’re not even trained, you huge bitch. You just want to fuck with me. Like always.” 

“Your insights are, like always, very precise,” she replied in amusement. “However, that doesn’t mean that I’m not right. It could be that once you actually do connect that way with one of our interesting planetary co-inhabitants, you might not find the experience as exotic and exciting as you dream.” 

He groaned in frustration. “Fuck you. Just fuck you. Like you wouldn’t tap one if you had the opportunity.” 

“It’s possible I would, but I haven’t built up a fetish around it.” He could hear her suggestively raised eyebrows, somehow. 

“So you don’t think I should hit on Karkat, then, is that what you’re saying?”

“As I have said at least twice already, yes.” 

“Okay, good, I’ll do that, then.” 

“Of course you will, David. Good night.” 

He hung up without another word, troubled despite himself. He got up and paced the kitchen for a moment before turning and quickly stalking into his bedroom. In the far corner was the cramped area where he’d set up his mixing equipment. He threw himself into his music, losing himself for over an hour in a remix he’d been working on for several days. 

It kept his mind busy, made him stop worrying and obsessing. 

When he finally was satisfied, he set his headphones aside and stripped off his shirt, collapsing into his bed. He stared at the ceiling for a long while before a restless sleep finally overtook him. His dreams were uneasy, but upon waking, they dissipated, and he couldn’t have told anyone what about them had upset him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by the letter N and the number 7, and also the fact that I was watching my sister play Mass Effect while writing. 
> 
> Little bro comes home, and Sollux and Dave have their bro-date.

Dirk Strider hoisted his duffel bag by the strap, hooking it easily over his shoulder and strolling to the exit of the airport. He stepped out into the bright sun, blinking for a moment before scanning the parked cars for his brother’s piece of shit, held together by rust and bumper stickers, including a couple Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff decals. No one who even noticed those stickers ever thought that that car could belong to its creator himself. It was a masterpiece.

A sharp catcall had him turning his head to the left. “Hey, gorgeous, need a ride?” A tall, blonde man smirked at him, dark glasses perched on his face, leaning against a piece of shit car held together by rust and bumper stickers. Dirk made his way over and threw his duffel in the back seat.

“Keep that up and someone’s going to think you really are a pervert,” he said levelly. “And then where will you be?”

“Fuck, we gotta keep my secrets, right?” His older brother grinned and got in behind the wheel. “Glad to have you home, kiddo. How did evil dictator camp go?” 

Dirk shrugged nonchalantly and climbed into the passenger seat. “Not bad,” he said without inflection. “I dominated the competition and emerged as the supreme teen tyrant. I only had to assassinate two of my rivals. Well, one, but the second was really annoying.”

“What, you found a kid smarter than you? Fuck, man. That's space robot camp for you. But really, did you have fun?” Dave reached over and tried to ruffle his hair, but Dirk was expecting it and ducked out of the way. That hair was a work of art. Grabby hands were a sacrilege.

He leaned back in his chair, keeping a wary eye on his brother's hands through his very cool anime style shades. “I will build a robot to follow you around and tell everyone how much you suck,” he said. 

Dave turned to him and opened his mouth in a wide O. “That would be awesome,” he said. He pressed his hands to his cheeks briefly before returning them to the wheel. 

“Or maybe one that pisses in your shoes,” he added, quirking an eyebrow.

“Okay, less awesome.” 

Dirk smiled inwardly, but didn’t let it show on his face. He might actually build that one, if he could get the parts. It would be rather amusing. 

He would miss the NASA camp. The resources available had been incredible. 

“Oh, our sister wants me to ship you out to her before school starts, but you don’t have to go. She’s just mad because I’m getting Roxy to visit us for her birthday.” 

Dirk glanced at him briefly. “Rox is coming out here? Nice.” He almost smiled. His niece was close enough in age to him that they could have been twins. And, when they were younger, before Dave had moved to L.A. to become a bigshot movie dude, they’d all lived close by and spent most of their time together. He still considered her his best friend. 

“Yeah, but you need to call Rose and tell her that you can’t possibly take another trip so soon because your senior year is going to be rough and you need to prepare, or whatever. Make something up.” Dave waved a finger at him. “Fuck if my little bro is running off again so soon. I’ll start thinking you love her more, and that would break my heart.” 

“Bro, you know you don’t have to worry about that,” the boy said emotionlessly. “You know I’m not capable of feeling love.” 

“Well, yeah, but you like me more, at least, right?” Dave poked his side with a grin. 

Dirk kept his face expressionless. “Until she offers me something better.” 

His older brother laughed softly. “Wow, cold,” he said. He patted the young man’s shoulder. “You’re growing up awesome. Rose is going to be so proud of you. And you’re pretty cool, so I’m proud of you.” 

“Thanks, Bro.” 

 

 

Sollux leaned against the arm of the couch. “Are you thtill jutht talking to your crew?” he asked, glancing at the screen. Karkat had been playing the video game for nearly an hour now. “You haven’t thot a thingle fucking thing, have you?”

“Shut up, Sollux, this is important,” the shorter troll answered, not looking up as he selected a dialogue option. 

“Which one of them are you banging thith time?” 

That got his full attention. Karkat turned his head and glared up at his matesprit. “I am not ‘banging’ any of them,” he said. “I’m romancing Steve. Because he’s so broken and needs to find happiness again. This time.” His cheeks heated slightly. Sollux knew that he’d played through the entirety of the Mass Effect trilogy to complete every single romance option at least once. It was cute, if pathetic. 

It was a good enough game, but Sollux prefered to run through and kill things rather than talk to everyone all the fucking time. 

“Yeah, great. Anyway, I’m going out, okay? Having dinner with a friend,” he said. He wasn’t sure why exactly he was doing this, other than a free meal. A free meal was a pretty strong motivation, he had to admit. He was planning on ordering something big and expensive, and bringing home leftovers. He reached over and rubbed Karkat’s hair gently. 

His matesprit set down his controller and caught his hand, drawing it to his lips and pressing a soft kiss to the back. “Have fun. I love you.” 

Sollux blinked down at him. “What wath that about?”

Karkat blushed, looking uncomfortable. “Nothing. I can’t just say I love you?” 

“Heh. Think you’ve been ‘romanthing’ your little cartoon people too much.” Sollux smirked down at him. “I’ll give you thome good romanthing when I get home, thow you how it’th done.” 

“You’re impossible.” Karkat’s fingers curled around the back of his neck and drew him into a slow kiss. “I’ll be waiting,” he murmured as they pulled apart. 

“Wow. Hot. Okay.” Sollux grinned and dipped down to kiss him quickly once more before heading to the door. 

 

 

He stared across the table at Strider, pushing his blue and red glasses up over his eyes. It was a nice restaurant. He was not in nice clothes. Fuck that. He was in ratty jeans and a t-shirt. His host was wearing a horrible red suit. Sollux didn’t give a fuck, though. He was just looking forward to a bunch of high quality free food. He crossed his arms and leaned back. “Yeah, tho. What now?” 

Strider grinned and leaned forward. “Now we chill and have a good time, talk, get to know each other. Solid bro times.” He curled his hand in a fist and held it across the table. “Come on, bro, don’t leave me hanging.” 

“Fuck you, you thtill have to earn bro thtatuth.” His eyes narrowed as he noticed the human’s lips twitching at his mangling of the word. He held up his two middle fingers. “Theriouthly, fuck you.” 

“Hey, dude, sorry. It’s just… cute. Sorry. Not trying to piss you off, really.” Strider’s cheeks went a bit pink. 

And, yeah, that was kind of adorable. Sollux looked away. Fuck that. “I’m not fucking cute, athhole,” he grumbled. Well. Karkat sometimes said he was. He got away with it because of the amazing sex, though. Strider wouldn’t get that consideration. 

“Anyway, hey, you should have told me you had a matesprit earlier,” Dave said, gesturing widely with his hand. “I mean, I wouldn’t have stopped flirting with you, I probably won’t stop now, either, it’s just a thing I do, I can’t fucking help myself, but I won’t expect anything from you and you can just tell me to fuck off, okay? You’re getting pretty good at that already, well done, bro.” He held his fist out again. 

Sollux glared at him a moment, then reached across the table and tapped his fist with his own. “Yeah, whatever. Can’t blame you, I’m fucking hot.” A smirk crossed the troll’s face. 

“Can I get a hell yeah?” Strider spread his arms wide and looked around. “No? Anybody? Okay, well, you are. And you’re interesting, too, I wasn’t lying about that. You don’t take shit off anyone. So many people just let me bullshit all over them and smile and nod, but not you. You’ll fuck up anyone who tries.” Dave grinned widely. “Awesome.” 

He stared at him. “Theriouthly? No one callth you on that crap? That’th fucking unbelievable.” He shook his head. “I’m lothing my faith in thith planet, no, wait, I never had any.” 

The human’s face turned into a blatant parody of shock. “Oh my fucking god. You, cynical about shit? Fuck me. That’s so crazy. My world is turned upside down. Like I was the sizzle side of the steak, but some asshole got out his big ass spatula and flipped me up, and then there’s all this wide open space and sky and cool breeze whipping around and I’m lost and confused.” 

Sollux flipped him off quickly. “Thut your fucking theedflap, Thdrider,” he said in exasperation. “I don’t know how you haven’t been murdered yet.” 

“It’s my inherent charm,” the man said with an easy grin. “You couldn’t murder this face.” He gestured at his face, pouting prettily. 

“Oh, come the fuck on,” Sollux groaned. “How the fuck can you think that would work? Doeth everyone you thpeak to have the IQ of an inthect? Do you think I’m going to drop my pantth and beg you to take me if you jutht wiggle your bottom lip a bit?”

He leaned back, tipping his head, that grin still sitting on his features. “Would be nice,” he said with a laugh. “But naw, I mean it, this is friends only shit tonight, promise. It’s all chill. You know, real talk, here, I don’t have many friends. I know, I know, big surprise, right? But seriously, I spend a lot of time working, and when I’m not doing that the only person I really talk to is my sister, when I’m not taking care of my little bro. So it’s cool getting to talk to someone who’s not a Hollywood asshole, you know? Reality check, kind of. This is great. You’re great. I like talking to you. So we’re good, yeah?”

Sollux shook his head slightly. “Okay, I thtopped lithtening halfway through that. I have no idea what you’re babbling about. But yeah, okay, we’re good.” He gave a half-hearted shrug. “I don’t really have friends either. That’th okay, though, I don’t really want them. I like being on my own. Talking to people online ith eathier.” 

“Hey, feel free to message me whenever, I’m pretty much always on, even if I’m working.” 

“Whatever. Motht of the time I’m buthy doing thtuff. I get really focuthed on my coding and thit.” He shrugged again and took a sip of his Coke. Karkat would get mad at him for having soda, but he was relaxing and having a good time, he wasn’t going to over-indulge. 

At least, he hadn’t meant to. As the evening wore on he started regaling Strider with tales of his hacking exploits, and as each story got wilder, he started drinking more and getting fuzzier headed. Strider, meanwhile, interspersed with his own stories about mishaps on movie sets which had Sollux laughing his ass off. Dave was a great guy, really. He was really funny, even when he was being a little bitch. Sollux decided to tell him so.

“Dave. Dave. Hey, Dave. Thtrider. Dave Thtrider. Dave Thtupidname Thtrider. Hehehehe.”

“Yeah, Sollux?” Dave asked, leaning back in his chair with his glass of apple juice. He’d told the troll that the restaurant purposely stocked the drink just for him. Sollux had called bullshit, but hadn’t pressed the matter. 

He leaned across the table and giggled. “You’re pretty funny, even when you’re being a little bitch.” 

The human grinned. “Nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. We’re gonna be best bros now.” He held out his fist.

Sollux reached over and bumped his fist with his own. On the third try. 

Dave tipped his head, frowning, then pressed his palm to his forehead. “Oh, fuck, I forgot, trolls get fucked up on fructose, don’t they? Oh shit, I got you drunk. I’m such a fucking asshole. You’re going to think I’m trying to take advantage of you.” 

The troll giggled again. “Nah, it’th good,” he said, mangling his words a bit more than normal. “I’m a grownup, I can drink thit if I wanna.” He waved his hand, knocking over the container of snack mineral and spilling it across the table, little white grains skipping across the surface. “Heh. Oopth. Hehehe.” 

“Look, okay, let me drive you home safe, at least. I don’t want to just let you wander off and walk into traffic or whatever fucked up trolls do.” 

“Yeah, okay. Come home with me. No funny buthineth, though. He’th gonna be home.” He waved a finger at Dave. 

Dave crossed his arms. “Dude, I am not going to mack on you in front of your troll boyfriend. I’m hurt you’d even think I’d do that. I’ll only mack on you in private, I’m a classy guy.” 

“He’ll kick your ath all over thith town,” Sollux said, giggling harder. It was a hilarious idea, Karkat fighting anybody. He couldn’t stop picturing it and laughing. He’d have to tell his matesprit to try. And film it. So he could watch it over and over. But no, his sweet little Karkat would get hurt and then he’d have to kick some ass of his own. He frowned. What was he thinking about? 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Dave sighed, going around the table and getting his arm around the troll, helping him to his feet. “Come on, bro. Home.”

Sollux leaned against him, wrapping an arm around his waist. Mmm, warm. Humans were warm. Warm like Karkat. He pressed closer and closed his eyes, letting Dave drag him through the restaurant. The suit might be stupid looking, but it was soft. He rubbed his cheek against the fabric, purring softly. 

 

 

Dave extricated himself from clingy troll arms and shoved his new bro into the passenger seat of his car. Fuck, that was hard to do. He’d have loved to keep cuddling the tall, gangly guy for a long time. But he was trying to be a decent kind of dude. 

He sighed as he shut Sollux in, then walked around to his side and climbed in. “Okay, bro, tell me where you live.” He probably could have just called him a cab or something, but he really wanted to make sure he got home safely. He didn’t think the troll would be in any shape to message him that he’d gotten settled in and everything, and Dave would worry otherwise. Not that he’d tell anyone. 

“Huh?” Sollux looked over at him, tipping his head.

Dave reached over and ruffled the troll’s hair. “Tell me where you live, bro. So I can drive you there.”

“Oh. Okay.” He thought for a moment, then rolled off an address. Dave plugged it into his phone and glanced at the directions. Luckily it looked simple enough. 

About fifteen minutes later he pulled up in front of a small house, charming and quaint. It didn’t look like Sollux’s kind of place at all, he’d have pictured him in some gleaming metal apartment complex, all sci-fi and shit. This looked like somewhere a grandma would live. 

He guessed his kind of line of work didn’t leave much room for choice, though. He climbed out of the car and went over to drag Sollux out. Bony arms circled him again, and giggly troll face nuzzled against his neck. Sheesh. It made things hard for a man. Hard to keep himself in line, he meant. And yeah, maybe a little of the other thing. 

One arm stayed tight around his burden, keeping him upright, as he rang the doorbell. Sollux could probably walk right in, but he was pretty much out of it, and Dave didn't want to startle his boyfriend and get his ass kicked. He was looking at Sollux when the door opened and a voice said, “What the fuck?”

“Oh, hey, Karkat,” he said as he turned back. Then he stopped still as his mind caught up with his mouth. He reached up and pushed his shades up to make sure he was seeing properly. He blinked down into wide eyes as red as his own. “Oh, shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is now officially the longest story I have on AO3. And the two runners up were co-written with my sister. So I'm super proud of myself right now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the revelations.

Karkat Vantas stared up at the man who had an arm around his matesprit. His mouth dropped open. He was sure his cheeks were blazing red with his mutant blood. “What the ever loving taintchafing fuck is going on here?” he asked, his voice hoarse. His matesprit was hanging all over this… this really attractive human. Karkat swallowed. He’d been trying to stop thinking about how fucking beautiful Dave Strider was, and now here he was, wrapped around his lover. His eyes narrowed. “What the fuck did you do to him?”

Dave held up his free hand. “Hey, chill, I didn’t do anything. We were having dinner that I invited him to, because, hey, I felt bad about shit, so we were just talking and having a good time, and, uh, I forgot about the high fructose corn syrup thing, so I didn’t cut him off.” The human had the decency to look embarrassed. 

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me you knew him, you goddamn fucking nookwhiffer!” Karkat shouted, flinging his hand to one side angrily. 

“I didn’t know!” Dave was looking very upset. “I’m sorry, Karks, but really, he only told me he had a matesprit the last time we talked, and he never said your name! How was I supposed to know anything?” Dave tipped his head, then smiled. “Fuck, he said you’d beat me up if I got handsy or anything, that’s fucking hilarious.” 

The smaller troll scowled. “Fuck you, shitstain,” he said, holding up both of his middle fingers. “And bring him the fuck inside, jegus. Help me get him to his cocoon.” Karkat turned his back, rubbing his forehead. What the fuck was he supposed to do about this shit? 

He looked up at a noise behind him. Dave had ushered Sollux inside and shut the door. “So, where are we taking him?” he asked. 

Sollux hadn’t spoken, just giggling and leaning against Dave like an idiot. Karkat sighed. “Upstairs,” he said. “Come on, jackass, you need to sleep it off.” He moved to Sollux’s other side and slid an arm around him as well. He tried not to blush as he bumped into Dave’s arm with his own against Sollux’s back. Fuck. Fuuuuuuuck. 

He heard a choked noise as Dave’s fingers brushed against his side between him and Sollux. He twisted his head, looking curiously around his lover. Dave’s cheeks were flushed red. Oh. Karkat licked his lips. Shit. This was so not good. It was not good in too many ways to count. Fuck. 

Without thinking, he let his fingers flick out from Sollux’s waist, tapping against the warmth of Dave’s suit. He was rewarded by a sharp intake of breath. Okay. So he was definitely feeling that, too. That… didn’t make this any easier. Fuck. What the fuck was he _doing?_

He cleared his throat and pulled away, leaving Sollux in Dave’s support as he hurried ahead, up the stairs and to the respiteblock. Two recuperacoons were set close to each other against the wall. Karkat pointedly kept his gaze away from the concupiscent platform in the middle of the block. His ears felt hot nonetheless. 

Dave appeared in the doorway, still supporting Sollux with one arm. Karkat didn’t look at him. “Bring him here,” he said. 

The clingy troll stumbled forward under Dave’s direction, pulling away from him when they got closer to Karkat. He draped himself over the smaller troll, giggling. “Heyyyy, KK,” he said, nuzzling his hair. A hand slid under Karkat’s shirt, splaying over his chest. 

Karkat started to jerk away, but not in time to prevent receiving a sloppy kiss from his drunken matesprit. He pushed him back, his cheeks blazing as he glanced over at Dave. The human was standing there, not moving. His sunglasses were still pushed up on his forehead, which he seemed to have forgotten, so it was easy to see that his red eyes were fixed on the two trolls, his lips slightly parted. His eyes flicked up to meet Karkat’s gaze. 

The troll looked away first. “Don’t, Sollux,” he said brusquely, grabbing his shoulders and shoving him towards his ‘coon. “Get in, sleep.” 

Sollux leered. “Not gonna undreth me?” 

“Fuck no, get in the ‘coon.” He grabbed Sollux’s arm as he started to strip off his shirt. “Don’t, Strider’s watching.” 

“Huh?” Sollux paused and peered across the room. “Oh, hey, douchebag.” He grinned and pulled his shirt off while Karkat was distracted. His hands went down to the fly of his jeans. A strangled sound came from the human. 

“Sollux Captor!” Karkat hissed, grabbing his wrist and tugging it roughly. 

“What? He doethn’t mind.” Sollux smirked. 

Dave cleared his throat. “I, uh, I should go,” he said shakily. 

Karkat whirled on him. “Don’t you fucking dare, I still want to have a word with you!” he shouted. “Sollux, leave your pants on and get the fuck in your ‘coon. I’ll deal with you when you’re sober!” He shoved him roughly towards the sleeping apparatus. He stood there, arms crossed and tapping his foot, until the thin troll clumsily hauled himself into his sopor slime and disappeared from sight. 

He slumped against the side of the cocoon, putting both hands over his eyes. He let out a harsh breath. “Fuck,” he said. 

“Karks?” Dave said hesitantly. Karkat looked up at him. He wasn’t holding himself with his normal easy confidence. He looked smaller, somehow. Uncertain. 

“Come on,” the troll said exhaustedly, pushing off from the ‘coon and stalking out of the room. He went downstairs without looking at Dave and dropped onto the couch. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. 

A weight settled beside him, and a hand hesitantly came to rest on his shoulder. “Karks? You okay?” Dave asked quietly. 

“What the hell is going on?” Karkat asked thickly, not looking up. “This is so fucking fucked up.” 

“Yeah,” the human agreed, rubbing his shoulder gently. “I just… I didn’t mean for anything to happen,” he went on. “And, uh… hey… if you’d told me about… about him, I’d have… well, not stopped flirting with you, but toned it down a little? Made it more playful? I flirt, I can’t help it. I’m sorry.” 

He slowly lifted his head, blinking up at the blonde man. “You… you were flirting with me? Really?” He should be angry, but instead he just blushed. “I… I thought… I’d imagined that.” Or he’d just convinced himself he had. It made not cheating on Sollux that much easier. 

“Well, yeah,” Dave said. “I mean, fuck, look at you. You’re fucking beautiful. I, uh. Fuck. Sorry.” 

Karkat’s blush deepened. “Oh. Right, anyway. Fuck that. What the hell were you doing with Sollux? How did you even meet him? It’s not like he moves in your circles.” 

Dave had leaned in, his face getting close to Karkat’s, but at the question he pulled back to an acceptable distance. Karkat tried not to feel disappointed with that, with unsatisfactory results. “He sold me coffee and I gave him my number,” he said with a shrug. “What can I say, your boy is fine. And before you get pissed, he just contacted me to yell at me for getting him fired, he never made a move on me at all. Unless you count anything he did when drunk, which I didn’t take seriously. We just went out as friends.” 

“Fuck, you… Wait, he got _fired?_ That fucking asshole! He told me he quit!” Karkat jumped up from the couch, pacing back and forth in front of it angrily. “I’m going to fucking tear him apart when he wakes up!” He trailed off into almost wordless muttering, fingers buried in his own hair. 

“Hey, hey, calm down, it was probably my fault. Though, to be honest, he was being an asshole to customers before I got to him, so it might have just been a matter of time before it happened. Sorry.” Dave spread his arms, looking helpless. 

“Ugh. I’m so tired of trying to get him to hold down a job. He’s not good with people, but he needs to be out doing things. I could support him, but he needs independence.” He ran a hand through his hair, disheveling it even further. 

The human cleared his throat. “I, uh, well… he was telling me about his hacking stuff, and… he was able to get into all my shit just by knowing my phone number, so I could maybe hire him to fix up my security? I might have some enemies sometime, you know.” 

Karkat turned to look at him. “I… oh. He’d probably like that. You can ask him.” He shrugged slightly. “Dave… thanks. And thanks for bringing him home safe. You’re… not a bad guy.” 

“Hey, no prob. I wasn’t going to leave a buddy hanging.” Dave shrugged and got up off the couch. “If you’re not mad at me anymore I should probably go. Work in the morning and all. So, we good?” He reached out a hand towards Karkat.

The troll hesitated a moment, then took the human’s hand in his, squeezing it slightly instead of shaking it. “We’re… good, Dave,” he said softly. 

“All right, awesome.” He grinned down at him, not releasing his hand. “You two are lucky to have each other, shit. And you probably have some amazing sex.” He tipped his head slightly, eyes going a bit unfocused. The red tinge to his cheeks showed exactly where his mind was going.

Karkat reached up and punched his shoulder. Hard. “Stop that, asshole,” he grumbled. 

Dave jerked away. “Ow, fuck,” he said, rubbing his abused shoulder. “Okay, okay, sorry. But it’s got to be fucking beautiful. My two sexiest of bitches getting it on…” 

He lifted a middle finger, and Dave laughed. “Yeah, okay, gotcha. You coming by the office tomorrow? We can start throwing casting ideas around. I’ll get my people in.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Karkat shook his head, feeling a little disoriented by the quick subject change. “I’ll… I’ll talk to you then.” 

Dave dipped in and brushed his lips briefly against Karkat’s cheek. “Hey… I’m sorry about everything. I’ll see you.” And then he was gone.

Karkat put a hand against his cheek, wondering what the fuck that had been about. What everything had been about. He really needed to talk to Sollux.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning confrontations. Upping the rating for a bit of you-know-what. *wonk wonk*

Sollux Captor pulled himself out of his recuperacoon with a groan. Fuck, he had one of his headaches. He frowned. Those usually went away when he slept, though. Fuck. And… why the fuck had he gone to sleep in his pants? They were disgusting with slime, now. 

He stripped his jeans off quickly and dumped them in the hamper, so Karkat wouldn’t shout at him about leaving them on the floor, getting slime all over everything. He glanced at Karkat’s ‘coon, but it looked like he was up already. He grabbed some of his painkillers and downed them dry. Hopefully that would take care of the headache before it got any worse. 

A quick dip into the shower to rinse off the last of the sopor slime, and then he wrapped a towel around himself and walked down the stairs. 

His matesprit was on the couch, curled up with his chin on his knees, back against the arm. The fluffy red snuggleplane was wrapped tightly around him. The matching blue one was still draped over the back of the sofa. Sollux had picked them out, over Karkat’s rolled eyes. He just liked red and blue, all right? 

He leaned against the wall, shoving his towel lower on his hips before speaking. “Hey, theckthy,” he said, smirking. 

Karkat didn’t move, didn’t bat an eyelid. Sollux frowned. That was… weird. Karkat never passed up the opportunity to tell him to stop being an idiot. Unless he was taking the opportunity to jump his bones. His advances were never _ignored._ “KK?” he asked, moving closer. He reached out and shook his shoulder. 

Red eyes slowly raised to meet his, but the other troll didn’t speak. Sollux was really worried now. “KK? Come on, love, what’th wrong?” His fingers brushed against his matesprit’s cheek. 

Fingers came up and entwined with his. Karkat closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against the back of Sollux’s hand. “I’m fucking pissed at you,” he said softly. 

Sollux blinked. That wasn’t right. Karkat was never angry and quiet. He shouted and ranted and got it all out there as loudly as possible. “What?” he asked. “What are you talking about?” 

“You went out with Dave fucking Strider. And you brought him back to our hive, hands all over him, and tried to get naked in front of him.” 

“What? Oh, fuck. I, uh…”

Karkat looked up at him, his eyes hard. “You were drunk. Yeah, I got that.” 

Sollux’s shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. Fuck.” 

“He kissed me.” 

Red and blue flame blossomed in Sollux’s eyes. “What?” he demanded, scowling. 

Karkat’s hand shoved at his cheek. “Stop it, jegus. Not like that. On the cheek. As an apology. I think.” He gave a harsh sigh. “Because he didn’t know you were mine. And because he didn’t know I had a matesprit. I want to be mad at him for all this shit. But it’s not his fault. It’s my fault. I fucked up.” When he met Sollux’s eyes again, they were damp with red tears. “I… I started flushing for him, Sollux. I’m so fucking sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I would never…” 

He stared down at him. “You… what?” His bloodpusher felt like a lump of ice. Then he frowned. “Wait, you know Thtrider?” 

“You fucking idiot, do you never listen when I talk to you? He’s fucking directing my movie!” Karkat ran his hands through his hair in frustration. 

“Oh. Well, that’th awkward.” 

A sharp laugh fell from his matesprit’s mouth. “That’s the fucking understatement of the century,” he said. 

“You, uh… you’re really flushed for him?” Sollux’s voice was uncertain now, and he sat on the couch by Karkat’s feet, twisting to look into his eyes. Karkat tried to look away, and he reached out, cupping his cheek, tipping his head back towards himself. 

“No,” he whispered, shutting his eyes since he couldn’t turn his head away. “I had… I had feelings, but I pushed them down. I’m flushed for you. I am. You have to believe me.” At that, he opened his eyes, staring at Sollux with a desperate earnestness. 

He leaned forward deliberately, his fingers moving from Karkat’s cheek to the back of his neck in a firm grip, and kissed his matesprit. “You idiot,” he mumbled against his lips before pulling back. “Jeguth, for a guy who’th a thelf-proclaimed eckthpert in romanthe, you thuck at thith thit.” He smiled fondly and tugged at a lock of Karkat’s hair. “Look, okay, I’ll be pithed if he toucheth you. But if it cometh to it, you’re tho fucking annoying I can probably flip pitch for you eathy. Tho don’t worry, theckthy. You’ll thtill get a piethe of thith bulge.” 

“Oh my fucking gog,” Karkat said. The sound that he made, however, sounded suspiciously like a laugh. He leaned forward and rested his head on Sollux’s shoulder as his matesprit gently stroked his hair. “Why do I always flush for the douchiest of assholes?” 

Sollux bent his head to kiss Karkat’s ear. “I don’t know, but thankth,” he purred, smirking. 

Hands shoved his shoulders. “Oh, fuck you,” Karkat said with a huff of breath that was almost definitely a laugh. “Wait, why the fuck are you naked? Jegus, Sollux,” he griped, cheeks heating, palms flat against Sollux’s bare skin. 

“That was the idea, I came down here to theduthe you, duh.” He gestured down at himself, barely covered with a towel anymore as he sat on the couch. 

“How the fuck are you not too hungover to even feel your bulge?” Karkat gave an exasperated sigh, though his fingertips started moving slowly over his shoulder. 

Sollux hummed appreciatively and shifted, hanging one leg off the couch and stretching the other along the back. The towel gave up trying to cover him after that, but obviously he didn’t give a single fuck. He put his arms around Karkat and lay back, pulling the other troll down on top of him. “Fuck, KK, if we only fucked when I didn’t have a headache, we’d hardly ever fuck at all,” he said. “Why the hell do you have tho much clotheth on?”

“Because, unlike some people, I am a civilized troll and wear clothes in the entertainmentblock!” Karkat growled. His claws gently pricked Sollux’s chest, moving down the bare skin, making him shiver. His lips found Sollux’s jaw and trailed soft kisses slowly along it, at odds with the annoyance in his voice. 

“Not for long.” Sollux smirked, red and blue light flaring from his hands and eyes, cocooning Karkat’s entire body. The shirt was yanked quickly over his head as the simple gray trousers became unbuttoned. The noise of the zipper being drawn down could be heard even over Karkat’s protests.

“That’s fucking cheating, you asshole!” Karkat scowled but didn’t fight the energies holding him; after all this time he knew it was fruitless. 

Sollux sat up and grinned at him. “It’th only cheating if we don’t both want the thame thing--you and me ath naked ath pothible and prethed together really, really thoon.” He reached for his lover and pulled him down onto him again, tugging his pants and underwear off simultaneously with his mind. 

He would never get used to how warm Karkat was. As he pulled him close, he was almost overwhelmed, like always, by the heat of his skin against his. He’d even been with rusts before, but they had nothing on a red-hot mutant like his KK. And that was just his skin. Once you got inside him, or he got inside you… fuck. There weren’t words to describe it. Sollux groaned just thinking about it, his bulge unsheathing against Karkat’s stomach. 

“Fuck,” his lover gasped, his own bulge sliding out to twist around Sollux’s. Karkat’s was thicker than his, more solid, but his had a bifurcated tip, and both ends rubbed against his matesprit’s, coaxing forth breathless gasps until Sollux couldn’t stand it, gripping Karkat’s forearms roughly. 

“Fuck me,” he growled, hooking his long legs over Karkat’s hips. His nook was aching, already slick with slurry. “Come on,” he gasped, “need you, KK, pleathe…” 

Karkat’s bulge untangled itself from his, and fuck, that was awful, but he knew what was coming would be even better. He whined with an air of desperation that would have embarrassed him if it was anyone but Karkat. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” Tender words whispered against his ear. Fingers brushed his shoulder, his hip, his thigh. He moaned and tried to open himself up as much as possible as he felt the tip of Karkat’s bulge nudging between his legs. His claws curled into Karkat’s shoulders and he tipped his head back. A hoarse cry left him as that hot, slick muscle wiggled into him, twisting to fill him completely. 

Karkat’s breath was hot, puffing erratically against his ear. “Sollux,” he whispered. “Oh, fuck, Sollux.” 

He moaned, arching against him, sparks flickering over his skin as his control over his psionics slipped. “KK, gog, yeth, give it to me,” he said, his breath hitching. Karkat’s bulge coiled inside him, caressing every inch of his nook, filling him with heat. It was too much. And he fucking loved it. 

His bulge lashed against Karkat’s stomach, desperate for purchase, until his lover’s hand curled around it, stroking it, drops of yellow slurry falling back onto Sollux’s skin. He tipped his head back, his throat rumbling in a groan. His eyes flew open, glowing in red and blue. The sparks jumped from his skin to Karkat’s, making his lover gasp. Fuck, yes. He gripped the back of Karkat’s neck and pulled him down into a hungry kiss, thrusting his tongue deep into his mouth. 

He reached out with his mind, opening the storage cabinet under the stairs and pulling out their spare pail. He had just enough of his cognizance left to realize the shit he’d be in with Karkat if their couch got ruined. The item clattered to the floor beside them, causing Karkat to look up, startled. A blush colored his cheeks, and Sollux smirked. “Ready, thweetheart?” he breathed. 

“Fuck, yes,” Karkat gasped, his bulge spasming inside Sollux. The psionic wrapped them both in his power, flipping them carefully off the couch and positioning them smoothly on their knees over the pail. Karkat pressed his face against his neck, breathing heavily. 

Sollux tightened the sheath of energy around them, creating a strong tingling sensation on both their skin. Karkat whimpered against his neck, murmuring his favorite profanity over and over again as his bulge whipped and twisted inside him. In mere seconds he stifled a shriek by biting his matesprit’s shoulder as he pumped his red hot slurry into him, more gushing from his nook into the pail. 

All the added sensations quickly drew Sollux over as well, and his slurry splashed against Karkat’s stomach and cascaded into the pail, swirling with his partner’s. He slumped wordlessly against him, using his psionics to hold them both there until they finished the last of the dripping. Then he lifted them onto the couch, letting them tumble to lay there before dissipating the last of his energy. His arms circled his love, cradling him against his chest. 

In that moment he realized that Karkat’s shoulders were shaking, and that he could hear him sniffling. “Hey, KK? What’th wrong?” He lifted his head, staring at him in befuddlement.

“I… I don’t want to lose you,” Karkat gasped, eyes tightly shut. “Never. I couldn’t… please…”

“You won’t. You won’t, KK, I promithe. I’m right here.” He carded his fingers through the troll’s hair. “Come on, really, where the fuck elthe am I going to get a choithe piethe off ath like thith?” He dropped his hands to squeeze Karkat’s butt in what he hoped was a reassuring bit of typical douchery. 

“Fuck you,” the shorter troll said weakly. 

Sollux smiled. That was more like it. He pressed a soft kiss to Karkat’s nose. “I love you, KK. Thith ithn’t the end. We’ll figure it out, ok?”

“Ok,” Karkat whispered, resting his cheek on Sollux’s chest. He held him there, gently stroking his hair, until his lover relaxed and drifted to sleep, making Sollux wonder if he’d been on the couch all night. A flash of guilt swept over him. His poor love. He’d have to make this up to him. Somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe next chapter I can get back to things just being hilarious. Who knows.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk makes a new friend, Dave is heartbroken, and Sollux does some shit.

Dirk Strider had a fake ID. Of course he did. He’d made it himself, and it was a thing of beauty. Perfection itself. That, and his air of confidence and maturity, got him into any club he cared to grace with his presence. 

He had a week left before school started up again, and he wanted to make the most of it. Besides, his bro had been acting weird all day, so he’d wanted to get out of his hair. 

This club was packed. Dirk strolled through like he owned the place, dressed in tight black jeans and an orange tank top, his hands encased in his normal leather gloves, his hair styled to the peak of wonderment, his flippin’ awesome shades perched on his nose. He bypassed the bar; he wasn’t here to drink. He was never interested in that. What he craved was the press of bodies, the energy of the dance floor, of people losing themselves to music and revelry.

He was jealous.

Everything he did was always under tight control. He had no idea how these people abandoned it so easily. Even as he moved among them, danced with them, he felt like he was somehow apart. 

There was a young man, about twenty or so, black haired and blue eyed, swaying to the music in front of him, pressing close with his hands on Dirk’s hips. Another man, dark skinned and lithe, was against his back. Dirk moved with them, easily calculating how best to match their movements, even as they failed to coordinate with each other. It was all well and good until something else caught his eye.

He stepped out from between the two without a word and strolled to the other side of the dance floor, to a table by the edge where a man leaned against a stool, sipping a girly looking drink. He was wearing a plaid skirt, incredibly short, with a halter top and arm warmers. His hair was pulled into pigtails, black interspersed with purple streaks that matched the irises of his eyes, set in a gray face. “We don’t often see trolls in these parts,” Dirk said, offering a tiny half-smile. “Especially not ones so striking.” He held his hand out to the stranger. “Dance with me,” he said. It wasn’t a question. 

Cool fingers settled in his. “Who are you?” he asked, his Alternian accent pronounced, mostly in a difficulty with the double yous of English, if Dirk was correct in his assessment. Even in words where the double you was silent. It was endearing, and, to be honest, more than a little sexy. 

“Call me Dirk.” His other hand found the small of the troll’s back, drawing him against his body. It wasn’t exactly necessary; the song wasn’t a slow one, and swaying closely pressed together wasn’t the appropriate modus operandi for the style of music. But on the other hand, fuck that. At this moment only one person’s opinion of his style mattered, and that was the troll in his arms. And, if the way he was trembling under his touch was any indication, his opinion of his style was A+ one hundred percent yes. 

“Dirk.” His name sounded lovely on those lips. His eyes traced the shape of them as they moved around his name, then moved up his neck to the sweeping lines of the fins. Purple suffused them. His companion was either embarrassed--or worked up. Possibly a little of both. He was fine with that.

“So, sweetheart, what about you?” he asked, his eyes still on those fins. It was a peculiarity. If he recalled his studies correctly, and he always did, fins meant seadwellers, and seadwellers meant royalty. It had been mostly lowbloods that had made the exodus to Earth, with a smattering of the greens and blues. This one didn’t look old enough to have been on that journey, but looks could be deceiving. At least one had to have been on their ship, though, to have produced a younger one. He thought. Troll reproduction was complicated and details weren’t shared with humanity very often. 

Those fins twitched under his gaze, and he had the urge to touch one. He was fairly certain that would be a gross breach of privacy, so he didn’t move. “Eridan,” the troll said finally. His arms came up and circled the human’s neck as he swayed in time with him. He smiled, displaying some decidedly sharp fangs. 

Dirk flashed a sly smile in return. “Well, Eridan,” he said softly, “I’m very glad I decided to come here tonight. I can’t believe I almost missed an opportunity to meet you.” 

His strings were almost pathetically easy to tug. He could tell from the instant he’d seen him that the troll was desperate for attention, from the way he was dressed to the way his eyes had darted about the room. He’d fixated on Dirk the instant he’d spoken to him, and that was exactly how the boy liked it. He should be the center of someone’s world when he was around them. It was only right.

His fingers tapped a rhythm against the waist of his skirt, half on the fabric and half on the bare skin of his back. “You look lovely like this,” he murmured. “Though, to be fair, you probably look lovely in anything. Or nothing.” 

“Fuck.” Eridan’s fins were bright purple now, his lips parted around shallow breaths. Perfect. He pulled a Sharpie from his back pocket and grabbed the troll’s hand, scrawling his phone number and chumhandle on the back along with his name. Then he grabbed the back of his neck and dragged him into a forceful kiss before flashstepping the fuck out of there, effectively disappearing into thin air. 

That should leave an impression. 

 

 

Dave stared at his phone for a long moment before answering it. “What?” he asked shortly. 

“Ah, David, I had thought you wouldn’t answer me. This is the fifth time I’ve called you,” Rose said. 

“What do you want?” he asked, closing his eyes. 

“I got an interesting text from our younger brother this afternoon,” she answered. “It said, simply, ‘Something’s wrong with Bro, do your headshrink magic on him.’ And thus, here I am. Tell me, my dear, what is wrong with you?” 

“Blasphemy. Nothing’s wrong with me, I’m as fresh and pure as the morning snow. I always eat ice cream in my boxers on Monday nights, it’s my thing. Check my fansites.” 

An exaggerated gasp followed his words. “Dave, it’s worse than I thought. You’ve become a rejected woman in a bad romantic comedy.”

Dave grit his teeth. “Rose. Shut your fucking mouth.” 

There was a moment of silence. “My. I seem to have struck a nerve. Tell me, Dave, what has happened to throw you so badly off your stride? I ask in all sincerity, though you might think otherwise. I wish to help you, my dearest brother.”

He sighed. “You’re not going to leave me alone until I tell you, are you?”

“Of course not, Dave. That would be completely unconscionable of me. I can’t leave my beloved sibling in a state of upset. Also I’m a nosy bitch.” 

“My heart’s broken. Smashed into pieces. I have no recourse but drowning my sorrow in ice cream.” Dave gave a sharp laugh, then went on before she had to ask. “My trolls, remember, the ones I told you about? Turns out they’re together already. I mean, it gives some really great images for the spank bank, but really dashed any of my hopes, you know?” He could still see Sollux, half-naked, trying to kiss Karkat. If Karks had been more into it, it would have been gorgeous. At least he could tell that it was just his presence that was embarrassing him, not any non-con issues or anything. 

“I have one request for you. Never utter the phrase ‘spank bank’ in my hearing again. I believe I vomited in my mouth just a little bit.” 

“Hey, I can’t help it if my naked spam porpoise needs a little attention now and again. It gets lonely, Rose. And it had high hopes that it’d get to know some really hot troll boys, but no, it has to do with my hand. Poor thing. Not that I don’t have great hands. Keep ‘em nice and soft.” 

“Dave. Dave. No. Never again. No.” Rose’s voice sounded strained, but whether from disgust or the effort to hold back laughter was impossible to tell. 

There was only one way to find out. “It’s really important to keep everything lotioned up. You can even combine it all into one step, saves tons of time. Of course, it gets a little awkward trying to get both hands in on the action, but otherwise you’ll wind up with one super soft hand and one weird gnarled hand and you look like something from a b-list horror flick.” 

“David Roseanne Strider--”

“I don’t know about you, Rose, but personally I’m not big enough to need both hands for my nightly gropefest.” He crossed his arms behind his head, nudging the empty ice cream carton aside on the pillow with his elbow. 

A sigh came from the phone nestled between his ear and his shoulder. “Yes, Dave, I constantly use both hands to massage my massive Freudian penis envy. It’s a wonder I find time to do anything else with my life.” 

“Yeah, well, at least you don’t need both hands, you’ve got a vibrator. Hey, that gives me an idea, let me borrow a vibrator.”

“Buy your own, David. There is no way in the seven levels of the darkest pits of Hell that you are ever touching any of mine.” 

Dave smiled despite himself. “You are the worst sister ever.” 

Rose gave a pleased hum. “I certainly try. And, on that note, how are you, really?”

He sighed softly. “I’ll live. I’m just trying to deal, you know? And, hey, you got any advice on how to do a professional work relationship with someone you want to bone who’s got a serious relationship already?” 

“Basically, don’t be an idiot. Good luck with that.” 

“That’s what I was afraid of,” Dave said with a sigh. “I’m doomed.” 

 

 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TA: iin2ufferable priick  
TA: you awake?  
TA: come on, talk two me.  
TA: thii2 ii2 iimportant.  
TA: ok, iill ju2t 2ay all the 2hiit ii need two 2ay, then.  
TA: fiirst off, fuck you.  
TA: but ok, ii cant blame you for wantiing a biit of kk.  
TA: he2 fuckiing amaziing.  
TA: great lay two.  
TA: you 2hould hear the 2ound2 he make2.  
TA: anyway, what ii wanted two 2ay two you wa2 iif you do anythiing two hurt kk ii wiill riip you apart wiith my miind.  
TA: even iif we va2ciilate black 2o he can be flu2hed wiith you ii am alway2 goiing two protect hiim and iif you break hii2 heart ii wont leave any piiece2 of you large enough two be iidentiifiied.  
TG: wait what  
TA: oh, youre here, great.  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: seriously wtf dude  
TG: im not doing anything  
TG: havent even talked to him youve got nothing to worry about from me  
TG: just going to make this movie and ill be gone  
TA: 2hut up, iidiiot, and lii2ten two me.  
TA: kk2 got a cru2h on you, douchelord. he told me 2o.  
TA: he2 2en2iitiive about thii2 2hiit.  
TA: romantiic iidiiot.  
TA: anyway he2 goiing two keep cru2hiing on you even iif he 2ay2 he2 goiing two 2top.  
TA: 2o be good two hiim.  
TA: ok?  
TA: ii want hiim two be happy.  
TA: and he wont be happy iif he want2 you and you wont have hiim.  
TA: or iif ii 2ay he cant have you.  
TA: 2o, even iif ii 2tiill dont liike you much, fuck, ju2t… go for iit.  
TG: what really  
TG: you want me to mack on your boyfriend  
TG: im dreaming right this is a dream  
TG: are we getting naked soon  
TA: 2hut up, no.  
TA: gue22 what, offer re2cended, you cant have hiim now.  
TA: douchebag2 dont get two touch kk.  
TG: sucks to be you too then huh  
TA: fuck off.  
TG: ok but really youre serious here  
TG: i can flirt with karks  
TG: how about you can i flirt with you again yet  
TA: fuck no. iim not iintere2ted, a22hole.  
TG: yeah ok no prob just karks then  
TG: youre really ok with this man i dont wanna step over any boundaries or anything like dude you just crossed the treaty line and are in enemy territory and theyre out looking for spies to torture to death you know  
TG: and i never actually hit on him for real  
TG: and he never said he was dating you  
TG: really we can just say it never happened its cool  
TG: if you really dont want to do this  
TA: 2hut up, 2triider.  
TA: ii 2aiid thii2 wa2 fiine and ii meant it.  
TA: ok, 2o iim not, liike, enthu2iia2tiic about iit or anythiing, but iill deal.  
TA: make hiim happy and were good.  
\--  twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]\--

Dave stared at his phone, pushing his second empty carton of ice cream away. Ice cream therapy time was over. He had to pull his shit together, sleep, and then check his messages again in the morning to make sure he hadn’t hallucinated this whole thing in some kind of sugar high. 

If Sollux wasn’t just setting him up to fuck with him… If Karkat actually had feelings for him… Shit, things were going to get interesting.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and Dave have a business meeting. Something personal happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week has been a slacking week, it seems. I'm now about 7,000 words short for NaNoWriMo. But I've written every day, even if it was only 150 words. That's a plus.
> 
> I'm going to keep writing this even if it looks like I'm not going to hit the 50,000 before the end of the month. I'm having fun writing this, and that's what matters.

Karkat had cancelled the meeting they were supposed to have, too tired and emotionally drained to deal with important issues like casting, or unimportant things like Dave Strider’s bullshit. He took a couple days to just sit around the hive, snuggling with Sollux and watching romcoms when he could wrestle the video game controller out of his matesprit’s hands. It actually wasn’t that hard. Sollux was being really fucking sweet lately. Either in apology or just because he knew Karkat was unhappy. 

He was a good matesprit. How could Karkat have had even the slightest feelings for someone else? He was a horrible person. He was. 

But it was time to get back to work. 

He didn’t feel up to speaking directly to Strider quite yet, so he called his assistant and asked her to set up a meeting with Dave and his casting agents. He would have to see him then, of course, but it wouldn’t be in private, and he had time to prepare. He could manage this. 

She called back with a time, and he thanked her politely. And he curled up on the couch with his head on Sollux’s lap to kill a couple hours. 

 

 

The assistant woman let him into the outer room of the office, and he took a seat, trying to be calm as he waited. Fuck, maybe he should have brought his moirail. Fuck, maybe he should have told his moirail about all the shit that went down. Fuck maybe, he definitely should have talked to Kanaya about this clusterfuck before seeing Dave again. It was too late now, though. 

He stood quickly as the door clicked open and Dave poked his head around the frame. “Hey, Karks, good to see you. Come on in. It’ll be a couple minutes till the others get here, but no reason for you to wait out there like some kind of salesman or something. Come on, you’re part of the inner circle of Stridertown. Seriously, bro, just walk in whenever you want. I probably won’t be jacking off or anything in here.”

Karkat took a deep breath and walked into his office, settling in a chair. “Oh my fucking god,” he said softly, putting a hand over his eyes. “That was an image I never needed. Strider, what the fuck. What the serious, taintchafing fuck.” His cheeks flared hotly and he looked away.

“Yeah, sorry, I can’t help what comes out of my mouth. Or, heh, what comes in it.”

“Gross, shut up, you humans and your oral fixations.” Karkat made a face. 

Dave smirked. “You’re just saying that because you don’t know how good it feels,” he said. “I mean, I can’t blame you, I wouldn’t want to stick my junk in Sollux’s mouth either, I’ve seen those teeth. Wow. Yeah.” He whistled and shook his head. 

“Strider, shut up, please.” He put his head in his hands, leaning forward. “I can’t do this,” he whispered. 

“Oh, shit, Karks, no,” the human said, standing beside his chair and putting a hand gently on his shoulder. “I really didn’t mean to say that shit. Or flirt with you, really.”

“Fuck you, Strider, that’s not flirting,” Karkat growled. 

“It’s how I flirt. Yeah, I’m an idiot, you don’t have to tell me.” His hand moved in a slow circle on the troll’s shoulder. “I wasn’t going to, even if Sollux said--”

Karkat’s head snapped up, his eyes narrowing. “Sollux said? What did Sollux say?”

Dave backed up, looking panicked under his sunglasses. “He didn’t tell you? Shit, I didn’t say anything, okay?” He held up his hands, trying to calm Karkat or deflect blame, or maybe both. 

“Strider.” Karkat’s voice was cold. “What. Did Sollux. Say?” He stood and advanced on the taller human, trying to look as intimidating as he could. It wasn’t easy for him, generally. He was shorter than other trolls, and his horns… he wasn’t even going to talk about his horns. But to humans, the claws and teeth were a bit frightening in their own right, and adding a bit of growl to his voice helped. Human vocal chords were useless. 

The human cringed. “That… you had a crush on me and I should be really nice to you and he wouldn’t get mad if I flirted and shit but if I hurt you he’d tear me apart with his brain. I think that was all of it.” 

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” the troll snarled. “I’m going to strangle him to death with his fucking ethernet cable. One of the eight hundred left in a pile on my fucking floor.” 

“Shit, Karks…” Dave reached out and grabbed his arm, keeping him from pacing and waving his arms dramatically. “Don’t, okay? He just wants you to be happy. He’s a cool dude. And he seriously loves you. I’m a jackass. Everyone fucking knows that. And, yeah, I like you. A hell of a lot. And I’d really like to kiss you and stuff like that. But not if it wrecks what you’ve got with him.” 

He turned and stared up into his god damned stupid sunglasses. Fuck that. Just fuck it. He reached up, shoving the dark lenses up to his forehead. He needed to see his eyes, to see how sincere he was. Just to see him. 

Dave Strider’s eyes were… just as beautiful as they’d been before. Right now they were brimming with worry. Karkat’s thumb brushed slowly over his cheek. Humans were so fucking soft. He wondered if he was that soft everywhere. 

His claws curled under the lapel of Dave’s garish suit. Suddenly he pulled, lifting himself on his toes as he pulled the man forward. His black lips pressed against soft pink ones. His breath stuttered as Dave’s arms curled around him and his mouth moved against his, pliant and willing. His eyelids fluttered, and he felt like his molecules were melting together one at a time. 

Oh, shit, no, he couldn’t do this. He gasped softly against his lips, and lifted his hands. He gently pushed against Dave’s chest and drew back. He stared up at him, breathing roughly. His hands curled around Dave’s shoulders. The man winced slightly as the claws tightened just a bit too much, pricking fragile skin through his jacket. Karkat pulled back instantly, his face reddening. “Shit. Fuck. Shitfuck. Fucking shit. Fuck this shit with every fucking thing it can be fucked with.” He brushed a hand across his forehead. 

He turned his back and stepped away. “I… Fuck. Strider. Let’s just do this meeting, all right? We have work to do. We’ll… we’ll talk later. About this shit.” He was using all his effort to keep from shaking. 

Dave’s swallowing was audible. “Yeah. That’s cool. Whatever you want, Karks.” 

“Thank you.” He turned slowly and dropped into his chair, not looking up at the man. 

 

 

The meeting ended, everyone pleased with their productivity, and Karkat left without a private word to him. Dave stared at the door, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do. His first instinct was to call his sister and tell him the cute boy he liked had kissed him, but that wouldn’t actually help. He needed someone to tell him what was going on with Karkat in general. Really, only one person would know that. He pulled out his phone and opened Pesterchum. 

 

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering g  twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
TG: hey dude the whole not killing me thing is still in effect right  
TG: i can tell you shit and you wont rip me apart with your brain or whatever  
TG: unless i actually do something bad  
TG: right  
TG: im taking your silence as consent unless youre just too busy to talk to me  
TG: which is bullshit cuz we both know you dont have a job  
TG: so yeah what i wanted to ask you about was  
TG: karkat  
TA: what about kk?  
TG: oh fuck youre here  
TG: wow  
TG: hey nice to see you  
TA: ok, what the fuck diid you want two 2ay about kk?  
TG: so uh  
TG: yeah  
TG: that  
TG: so he kissed me  
TG: i didnt ask him to or anything it just happened  
TG: but then he shut down and was all business all the time and left without saying anything  
TG: so did i fuck up or what  
TG: i dont even know what i did  
TA: he ki22ed you?  
TA: fuck, that wa2 fa2t  
TG: fuck yeah i know  
TG: why didnt you tell me he was such a good kisser i mean damn son  
TA: 2hut your facehole, 2trider.  
TA: ii told you he wa2 a great lay, that2 iincluded iin the package  
TG: ok youre right thats a point  
TG: anyway  
TG: i flirted with him a little and he was pissed off about shit and then he kissed me  
TG: and then he kinda freaked out i guess  
TG: and said he would talk later  
TG: and we had our business meeting all businesslike  
TG: did i fuck him up  
TA: ok, iill talk to hiim when he get2 back.  
TA: but probably what2 goiing on ii2 he2 juggliing hiis romcom viiew of how thiing2 2hould go wiith hiis vii2iion of realiity.  
TA: for hiim that mean2 the uniiver2e where he2 abhorrent and nobody can love hiim.  
TG: what  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: but you fucking love him  
TG: he knows that right  
TG: and hes amazing  
TA: ye2, of cour2e he know2.  
TA: iit2 a cogniitiive di22onance thiing.  
TA: ba2iically he want2 the 2appiie2t of romance2 wiith anyone.  
TA: but he doe2nt expect the other per2on to want iit two.  
TG: so  
TG: youre saying i should go all out and woo the fuck out of him  
TA: ii…  
TA: FUCK. ye2.  
TA: fuck fuck fuck.  
TG: dude  
TG: i wont if you dont want me to  
TG: its cool  
TG: i mean i really wanna bang your boyfriend  
TG: in the most you know dating way possible  
TA: ughhhh. ii hate thii2. iit2 2o fuckiing 2tupiid.  
TA: he2 goiing two fuckiing mope iif he doe2nt get wiith you, though.  
TA: for week2.  
TA: iitll be horriible.  
TG: ok so operation seduce karks is clear to go then  
TG: ill gear up get my warmups done  
TG: wait do the warmups first then gear up  
TG: easier that way  
TG: then someone says are you ready  
TG: and i say i was born ready  
TG: and i go bone your boyfriend  
TA: nnnngggggg.  
TA: ii really want two tell you two go fuck your2elf.  
TA: but thii2 ii2 what need2 two happen.  
TA: be good two hiim. ok?  
TG: fuck yeah man im gonna be like fucking prince charming  
TG: sweep him off his feet  
TG: and be there for him as long as he wants me  
TG: fuck  
TG: i mean  
TG: ok yeah  
TG: thats what i mean  
TA: good.  
TA: do that.  
TA: take care of hiim.  
TA: iill talk to hiim. fiind out where that leave2 me.  
TG: shit man  
TG: i dont want to push you out  
TG: you know that  
TA: ii know, douchebag.  
TA: just 2hut up.  
\--  twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk is a manipulative bastard, Roxy is adorable, Rose is calculating. Karkat is fucking pissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, NaNoWriMo is over and I did not win. However, this is the longest story I've ever written, and I'm proud of myself. I'm going to keep going. This chapter took forever, I am sorry. On the other hand, it took less than two months, which is my previous way of writing.
> 
> Also, thanks to Liritar for checking my Captor quirks for me, though she waited a few chapters to remind me that he uses punctuation. Thanks.
> 
> Also 2, at this moment I have 69 kudos, which is making me snicker so hard.

“Mooooooooooom!”

Rose finished climbing the stairs, laundry basket resting against her hip. She carried it to the open door at the end of the hall; efficient, since the clothes belonged there, and it was where the impassioned whine had originated. “Yes, Roxanne. I am here, as you can well see. Also, I come bearing your miraculously clean and folded linen. Please put it away or I will hex you.” She smiled sweetly. 

Roxy waved her hand like any teenager ignoring what her loving parent says. “Yeah, okay, but Mom, Dirk says we’re having our birthdays at his place!” 

The woman’s eyes narrowed. “That little sneak,” she said. She could see the scenario clearly: her dear brother whining to their youngest sibling about her refusal to send them her daughter, and the boy taking it upon himself to resolve the situation. And, now that Roxy had heard of the idea, Rose couldn’t refuse without painting herself into the role of trite villainous stepmother, legitimacy notwithstanding. 

She cast no blame upon Dave; he didn’t have a manipulative bone in his body. No, it was her youngest brother with whom she shared that trait. She would have to retaliate post haste. 

“Mom?” Roxy looked up at her, eyes wide, bottom lip curled in an adorable pout. She might not pull strings as well as her young uncle, but she had a firm grip on her family’s heartstrings and was not above tugging those. 

Rose sighed. “Fine, you can go,” she said, stony-faced. “I would have thought you would like to spend your birthday with your mother, but I understand.”

The girl frowned. “You’re not coming? I thought we could all be together and it would be awesome and maybe we could go tour celebrity houses or something.” 

Eyebrows raised elegantly. “I was not invited. David specifically requested you.” 

Eyes rolled in return. “Moooooom, you know he didn’t mean it like that. Not everyone is hyper focused on details like you. He’ll love having you there! You’re his sister, jeeze. You don’t have to be so fucking passive aggressive.”

“Language, dear.” Rose tapped a finger against her daughter’s nose, causing it to wrinkle. “Jeeze is not a word.” 

“Moooooom!” 

“Put your clothes away. I’ll talk to your uncle.” She turned and all but glided out of the room. 

 

\--  twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--  
TA: kk  
TA: hey, kk.  
TA: ii know youre awake up there, ii can hear you moviing.  
TA: kk please come down2tair2.  
TA: iim not mad at you ii promii2e.  
CG: OH, *YOU’RE* NOT MAD AT *ME,* THANK GOG, THAT’S WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT.  
CG: I’M BUSY, SOLLUX.  
CG: I’M MAKING A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS YOU CAN SHOVE UP YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE. THERE’S 253 ITEMS SO FAR.  
TA: kk, come on.  
TA: thii2 wa2 for you, you know that.  
TA: youre ju2t beiing 2tubborn.  
CG: 267.  
TA: what, really? howd you come up wiith 14 thiing2 that fa2t?  
CG: SHUT YOUR SQUAWK BLISTER.  
CG: HOW COULD YOU FUCKING TELL DAVE STRIDER TO FLIRT WITH ME? WHAT PART OF I WANT TO BE WITH YOU IS SO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?  
TA: kk.  
TA: you kii22ed hiim.  
CG: THAT FUCKMUNCH! HOW DARE HE TELL YOU ABOUT THAT?  
TA: 2o whiich of u2 do you hate more?  
TA: ii need to know whiich quadrant two prepare for.  
CG: FUCK YOU. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.  
TA: yeah, ii know that, kk. but you kii22ed hiim, remember? ii know you, you wouldnt do that iif you diidnt love hiim, two.  
TA: 2o fliip black wiith me, and date hiim. 2iimple.  
TA: iim cool wiith that. and when youre done wiith hiim we can go back red.  
CG: I DON’T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU, YOU INTOLERABLE DOUCHELORD.  
TA: could have fooled me, kk.  
CG: WHAT THE CROTCHBLISTERING FUCK… OH. FUCK. I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, SOLLUX, YOU KNOW THAT!  
TA: yeah, but look how ea2y iit would be.  
CG: SOLLUX… YOU DON’T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME.  
CG: DO YOU?  
TA: look, ii… okay, ii dont really, but ii can. and humans dont go black, so thii2 ii2 the only way iitll work, kk. iit2 ju2t liike one of your 2toriie2. hero 2tart2 flu2hiing for the my2teriiou2 2tranger and hii2 mate2priit get2 jealou2 and they fliip piitch or whatever.  
TA: though iin thii2 ca2e my2teriiou2 2tranger ii2 actually ju2t an iin2ufferable priick.  
CG: SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE HAS A BIT OF A CRUSH.  
CG: REALLY CLASSY OF YOU TO SOLICIT ME IN A QUADRANT YOU ALREADY HAVE SOMEONE ELSE IN MIND FOR.  
TA: what the fuck, no, kk.  
TA: thii2 ii2 purely platoniic hate for a douche who made my liife mii2erable and ii2 tryiing to 2teal my mate2priit.  
CG: YOU’RE THE ONE PUSHING ME AT HIM! YOU CAN’T BLAME HIM FOR THAT!  
CG: AND HE’S NOT THAT BAD, REALLY. I MEAN, HE TALKS LIKE AN IDIOT, BUT UNDER ALL THAT, HE’S REALLY SWEET.  
TA: wow, 2omeone2 got 2eriiou2 heart2 iin hii2 eye2.  
TA: ii mean look at what you ju2t 2aiid.  
TA: you are 2o flu2hed iit2 not even funny.  
CG: SOLLUX…  
TA: kk. really. ii want you two be happy. plea2e do thii2. for me. for u2. for you.  
TA: ju2t dont kiick me out of here, ii cant afford my own place.  
CG: OKAY.  
TA: really?  
CG: I’LL GO OUT WITH HIM. WE’LL TALK ABOUT US LATER, ALL RIGHT?  
CG: AND OF COURSE I’M NOT GOING TO KICK YOU OUT, FUCKNUTS. I LOVE YOU.  
TA: 2ee, there you go, already faiiliing at beiing a good kii2me2ii2.  
CG: FUCK YOU, WE’RE NOT KISMESES YET. I HAVEN’T DECIDED WHAT WE’RE DOING. I’LL HAVE ONE DATE WITH DAVE, AND IF THAT BOMBS, THEN YOU AND I ARE IN EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE WE USED TO BE. IF IT GOES WELL, WE CAN TALK ABOUT FLIPPING.  
TA: 2o romantiic.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

 

_”David Roseanne Strider, I swear if you do not return this call--”_

He deleted the message without listening to the rest of it. It didn’t matter. As she knew he would, he was already calling back. He spoke as soon as she answered, cutting through whatever she was trying to say. “God damn it, my middle name is not Roseanne.” 

“Yes, it is. Mother named you after me, because I was and would always be her favorite. But that’s beside the point.” 

“It is the point. It’s the whole fucking point. I am way too cool to be Roseanne.” He smiled, but only because she wasn’t there to see it. “Okay, so, beside that point, what point is there? I mean, you called me about something, didn’t listen to whatever, so go on.” 

His sister sighed. “I don’t know why anyone bothers leaving messages for you, David,” she said. “I wasted three whole minutes of my life detailing the issues I have with you, and for what? To have to do it again a mere thirty minutes later. It’s intolerable.” 

“You know what’s wasting time now? It’s you. So come on, tell me why you called. Obviously not because you love me, or you wouldn’t have had to waste three minutes saying it on the message. That one’s simple. ‘Hey, Dave, favorite brother, I love you, talk to you later.’ See?” 

“Usually I would contest your statement, but at the moment I am quite peeved with our younger brother, as you would know if you’d listened to the message I left you. After hearing the recording of you ask me to leave a message with the promise that you would return my call.”

Dave grinned proudly. “See? You left a message and I called back. Not one breach of promise. Never did I state I would listen to the messages I received. Anyway, what did Dirk do? I thought you two were planning on taking over the world together or something. He was the apple of your eye, your protege in aloof bullshit.” 

She sighed. “He’s a manipulative bastard.”

“That’s exactly what I said.” 

“No it isn’t. But anyway, he told Roxy about your plan, thus forcing me to go along with it or becoming the villain in her eyes. But I will not send her alone. I will be joining you.” 

He rolled his eyes behind his shades, even though she wasn’t there and couldn’t see anyway if she was because of the aforementioned sunglasses. “Oh, god, Rose, that is the last thing in the world I want, for my sister to come see me. Jesus. I’ll have to skip town. Is that what you want to hear? Anyway, I’ll put Dirk on the futon and you and Roxy can share his bed.” 

His sister made a disdainful noise. “Only if you hide his puppets first.”

“I’ll try,” he answered with a laugh. “It’ll be good to see you. I’ll get tickets set up tomorrow.” 

“On no account are you doing any such thing. This will be my present to Roxy, so I shall purchase our tickets.” 

“Rose, for fuck’s sake, I have frequent flyer miles stockpiled, dude, you can’t take a step without tripping over the miles. You can’t escape them. So it’s no big. Just let me do this.” 

The woman considered silently for a moment. “Well, it will leave me more money to spend on finding a present to eclipse yours,” she said. “I suppose I’ll take it.”

“Fuck yeah, I got this. Oh, by the way, you know my trolls?”

“The ones you have absolutely no claim on and still insist on calling yours? I think I recall them.” 

“One of them kissed me.” Dave smiled, remembering the moment. It might have been followed with a lot of weird fucked up bullshit and introspection, but it had been an amazing kiss. Even if this all went to shit, he would have that kiss. 

“One of the two that are dating each other?” Rose asked, scorn and disbelief radiating from her tone.

He shrugged to himself. “Yeah, well. Sollux told Karks he could date me, which apparently pissed Karks off, but he kissed me anyway. I don’t think I can get Sollux around to my side. Sucks, he’s adorable in a grumpy asshole kind of way,” he said wistfully. 

His sister chuckled softly. “Be satisfied with one troll,” she said. “You wouldn’t want to be thought greedy.” 

Dave sighed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Anyway, I have to go buy your tickets before you change your mind.” He ended the call before she could protest and pulled up his laptop, not wasting a second to set up the best birthday his niece would ever have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've set up a server on Discord (which I've been poking around with today for the first time), if anyone wants to talk to me about this story or anything else. Find it here: https://discord.gg/pswqc6P


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A date and some exposition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a while to write, but it's also about 1,000 words longer than my other chapters, so I hope that makes it worth it.
> 
> Plus, join my discord server here: https://discord.gg/pswqc6P We're having a blast, even though there's only a few people so far. I give periodic writing updates, so if you're ever going "What the heck is she doing, where's the next damn chapter??" this is the place to find out. I also ramble about nonsense, quote Lord of the Rings, and enjoy bad puns.

\--  caligulasAquarium [CA]  began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]  \--  
CA: hey dirk right  
CA: wwe met at the club the other day  
CA: i wwas beautiful and you danced wwith me  
TT: Eridan.  
CA: you remember me  
TT: Yes.  
CA: yeah so wwhat do you think are wwe goin to do somethin about this  
TT: You’ve done something about this. You used the contact information I gave you.  
TT: Well done.  
TT: An important first step in the process.  
CA: wwhat process wwhat the fuck are you talkin about  
TT: Why, continuing our dance.  
CA: oh right that makes sense i guess  
TT: You’re right, by the way.  
CA: wwhat  
TT: You were beautiful that night. The most delectable morsel in that club.  
TT: I’m glad you contacted me.  
CA: wwell youre not bad yourself i mean id like to see you again  
CA: if thats cool  
TT: I believe it could be cool.  
TT: I find myself intrigued by the notion.  
CA: oh wwoww ok  
CA: so dinner then maybe a movvie does that sound good  
CA: i can pick you up at your hivve  
TT: Sounds perfect, hot stuff.  
TT: Tomorrow night? I’ll see you at seven.  
CA: yeah ok ill see you then  
TT: Bye.  
\--  timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased pestering  caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

 

He pushed past the assistant and shoved the door open without any hesitation. Wood hit the wall with a solid crack. The man at the desk looked up, his stoic expression cracked in surprise. He stalked over and put his hands on the surface of the desk, leaning forward and glaring into those douchegoggles. “Coffee. With me. Now,” he said. 

Dave looked up at him, lips twitching. “What,” he finally said, confused.

“We’re going for coffee, idiot. Because I want to spend time with you.” Karkat crossed his arms and stared him down, his pulse rapid. He caught his lip between his sharp teeth, just short of actually puncturing the skin. Fuck, this was stupid. Why was he doing this? Why the fuck did he ever listen to Sollux? Like Sollux had his fucking life together in any fucking way. 

There was a moment of silence before the human started laughing. “Karks. Fuck, Karks, did you just ask me out? For reals? That was awesome. Come on, let’s go.” He jumped out of his chair and moved towards the door.

Karkat’s cheeks heated. “Shut up,” he muttered, walking after him, arms still crossed. Dave laughed and reached for his hand as they stepped out of his office. He allowed his hand to be coaxed from his curmudgeonly stance and curled his fingers into the human’s, warmth flowing through him. He glanced at him from the corner of his eye, a shy smile crossing his lips. 

Okay. This was a good idea. 

Dave babbled an unintelligible excuse to Stephanie, his assistant, as he tugged Karkat through the door. Karkat shot a glare at her knowing smirk, flipping her off over his shoulder. His blush was hotter than ever as he followed Dave down to the street. Dave obviously knew where every coffee shop in the city was, so Karkat followed his lead as he took a left and started strolling. He shoved his free hand in the pocket of his sensible gray slacks, glancing at the human nervously. Why the fuck wasn’t he saying anything? Strider never shut up, everyone knew that. He was surprised anyone would ever interview him, they couldn’t get a question in edgewise. 

Human hands were really soft. He’d never held one like this before. Handshakes were different, you didn’t have time to examine exactly how each little piece felt against your skin. He wondered if Dave was ever going to let go. A breathless part of him hoped that answer was no. 

He didn’t show any sign of it. They entered the coffee shop hand in hand, stood in line, and approached the counter. Only then did Dave release him, and he tried his best to keep the disappointment off his face. He turned to look at the menu, and that’s when the human’s hip bumped against his. Karkat let out a squeak before he could stop himself, and Dave grinned down at him, pulling down his douchey sunglasses to wink briefly. 

“Oh, fuck you, you impossible piece of shit,” he growled, holding up one emphatic middle finger. Dave smirked and leaned forward, pressing his lips to the tip of the upheld digit. Karkat jerked away, turning bright red. “Jegus, you festering shitstain,” he said, putting his hand behind his back. “People are watching us!” 

The human laughed softly. “Is this not a date, then? I can just do bro shit.” He held out his fist to bump. 

Scowling, Karkat slapped his fist away, then stretched up and pressed a shy kiss to his cheek. Dave wrapped an arm around him and hugged him close. The troll was getting tired of blushing. He hid his face against the human’s chest. “Fuck you,” he whispered, or rather not-shouted. 

“Aw, come on, babe. It’s cool. What do you want to drink? I’ll have a caramel macchiato with extra whip, extra caramel, double espresso, with cinnamon. Karks?”

Karkat lifted his head and realized they were standing in front of the counter. “Coffee,” he said shortly. “Large.” 

“Seriously? That’s it?” Dave raised an eyebrow over his sunglasses.

“What? We came here for coffee, I’m getting coffee. You’re drinking caffeinated syrup.” Karkat crossed his arms and glared. 

“All right, a large coffee for my lovely and grumpy friend,” Dave said to the barista with a charming smile. 

Karkat snorted. “Are you going to get her fired, too? Do you wander around different coffeehouses fucking with baristas?”

The human actually looked hurt. “Hey, I didn't mean that to happen,” he said. “Sollux is naturally an asshole, I simply encouraged him. Because his crankiness is adorable.”

A wry smile crossed the troll's lips. “Yeah,” he agreed fondly, “when it isn't annoying as fuck.”

Dave took his elbow and guided him to the other end of the counter to wait for their drinks. “I really don't want to make trouble between you two,” he said softly. “Is this really okay?” 

Karkat sighed and leaned against him, closing his eyes. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. Dave’s shoulder was solid against his cheek, warmer than Sollux with his higher bloodcaste. It was… nice. There was an air of comfort and safety that came from being close to his human. He let go of his last reservations and slid his arm around the man’s waist, holding him gently. “It’s hard to tell with him sometimes,” he added softly. “He was pretty adamant that I give this a shot, though. So he can’t fucking blame me if it goes well.” 

“Okay,” Dave said, nuzzling against his temple for a moment before laying a soft kiss there. Karkat wanted to be embarrassed, but instead he just felt a bit swimmy. Jegus, he could come up with a better description than that, he was a fucking novelist, an expert in romantic scenes, for fuck’s sake! But no, the moment this human got close, everything was just warm and his mind was wrapped in woolbeast fibers. 

Fuck, Sollux was right, damn him. He was so fucking lost. 

He didn’t notice when their order was called; he just noticed Dave pulling away from him. He gave a disappointed moue before he could catch himself, then blushed and shoved his hands in his pockets, following the human to the counter. He reached out and grabbed his cup. It was hot, but his skin wasn’t as thin as humans’ and he didn’t need the ridiculous paper sleeves that Dave was fitting around his drink now. 

Sipping the hot, bitter drink, he moved towards the corner to an isolated table. He saw people glancing at them as Dave joined him. He pulled the chair out for the human, flipping the entire coffeeshop off over his shoulder while Dave couldn’t see. There was still some prejudice against interspecies relationships, even in this day and age. Karkat liked slipping them in as a subplot in his books, even though he’d never, ah… experimented before. Before now. His cheeks heated again as Dave sat in the offered chair and turned to grin up at him. “Dude, smooth,” he said. “Fistbump.” He held up his fist.

“I’m not going to fistbump you, you enormous fuckass,” he snorted, trying to hide a smile. He reached out and shoved the side of the human’s face gently, then moved to his side of the table and sat down. “We’re on a fucking date, this is serious.” 

“Oh, right, serious. Forgot about that.” An easy smile rested on the man’s face. “So, serious. What made you start writing?”

Karkat sighed. “Oh, for the love of… You’re really opening up with the first question any interviewer goes for?”

Dave took a sip of his disgusting syrup concoction and shrugged a shoulder. “Yeah, because I want the real answer. I want to know you.” 

“Oh.” Karkat flushed and looked down at his hands, dark grey against the cream of the disposable coffee cup. Fuck, why couldn’t he stop blushing? He was a grown ass troll, not a pupa barely out of his cocoon. “Right.” He cleared his throat. “Basically, I read a lot when I was a wiggler. I didn’t go outside much, you know? And there were the troll stories from Alternia, and the human stories, but… not really anything about us, now. Troll authors on Earth mostly write more of the grandoise Alternian style stuff, and humans write what they’ve always written, though they’re more likely to throw trollish caricatures in than trolls would use humans. I wanted to accurately portray our current society.” 

“Why romance, though?” Dave was watching him curiously.

Karkat flipped him off. “Fuck you, I like romance.” 

The human laughed. “Yeah, I got that. It’s cool. I was just asking, bro. I think it’s cute.” A warm smile crossed his face and Karkat felt himself melting again. Gog damn it, why the almighty globe tickling fuck was Strider so fucking irresistible? 

He shifted a little in his seat, worrying his lip with his sharp teeth. 

“Hey,” Dave said softly, and he looked up into his impassable shades. “Hey, Karks, don’t worry, okay?” He reached out and took the troll’s hand, rubbing the back gently with his thumb. “Relax. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. I want you to be comfortable, okay?” His tone was almost painfully sincere. It wasn’t a Strider kind of voice at all. 

Karkat nodded, curling his fingers around Dave’s as well. “Yeah,” he murmured. “Yeah, okay. Sorry.” 

The human smiled again, looking relieved. “Okay, good. We’re good? Can I ask you more questions? If you don’t want to answer anything, just say, okay?”

He smiled in return, and there was just a trifle of uncertainty in it. “We’re good, Strider. Go on.” 

Dave rubbed the back of his neck with the hand not gripping his. “So, uh. How’d you meet Sollux?” 

Karkat froze for a moment, and the human instantly tensed. He squeezed Dave’s hand to reassure him. “It’s okay. I don’t mind talking about it. It’s just… a long story, and… Are you sure you want to talk about Sollux on our date?”

“He’s important to you,” Dave said softly. “I want to know about what’s important to you. And he’s fucking interesting. And cute.” 

The troll snorted. “Are you sure you’re not just dating me to get closer to him?” he asked sardonically. 

“Nah, I want to be close to you, too. Troll sandwich. Two hot, tasty boys all up on this.” 

“Oh my gog, shut up,” Karkat said, covering his eyes with one hand. “Jegus, why are you allowed in public?”

“Because I’m so cute. So, Sollux?”

He was silent for a long moment, considering. He took a sip of his coffee before speaking. “I’ve always known Sollux, I think,” he said quietly. “We left Alternia together. Our lusii smuggled us out when we were wigglers. Mostly mine. Sollux’s was a big, dumb brute. Sollux and I… we’re both mutants, you see,” he added, leaning his elbows on the table. “I’d have been culled as soon as I’d been discovered, and Sollux… he’d have had it worse. His mutations are useful.” 

A grimace crossed his face, and he take another sip of his bitter drink, the taste pairing well with his emotions. 

“Anyway,” he said when he felt ready to continue, “my lusus found out about a refugee ship and got Sollux’s to go along with us, mostly because it was an amazing fighter and could protect all of us. We got to Earth safely, with the help of a jadeblood my lusus made friendly with on the ship. She kind of raised the two of us. Lusii aren’t sentient enough to own property or anything anywhere. They still took care of us, but we stayed at her hive until we were old enough for human law to let us run our own shit.” He shrugged slightly. “She’s my moirail now. She’s a bit older than me, yeah, but with higher bloods it doesn’t matter as much.” 

“So, you all escaped together? Sounds exciting.” 

Karkat shrugged. “I don’t remember it. I was a wiggler.” He ran a hand through his hair. “So, Sollux was always there, with me. For a while when we were pupas I thought we’d be moirails. We were best bros back then, so it seemed like it was fated, you know? Except for a time when I thought maybe we’d be kismeses since he’s such a jerkass all the time. But… things settled when we grew up, and… here we are.” He sighed softly, looking away.

He felt Dave’s hand on his again. “You really love him, huh?” He glanced back, slightly confused by the tender smile on the human’s face. 

“I… yes,” he said softly. He gave a sigh. “I don’t want to be pitch with him. But… I am flushed for you. He’s right. It’s the only way it’ll work out.” He put his head in his hand, elbow on the table. 

The human shrugged. “Then don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t do the kisme-whatever with him. It’s cool. You can just date us both, and it’ll be fine. Or kick me out, that works, too, but honestly, I’m happier with the first idea.” 

Karkat just stared at him. “You… what? You can’t… That’s not possible.” 

“Sure it is, if we all agree to it. Who the fuck cares what anyone else says?”

He shook his head slightly, trying to clear his thoughts. “That’s insane,” he said. Sollux would never go for it. Would he? He chewed on his lip, mulling it over. Two flushed lovers. Really. “Is that a human thing? You really do that?”

Dave shrugged. “It’s not exactly common, but consenting adults do whatever the fuck they want, man.”

“I’ll… I’ll ask him,” Karkat murmured, tugging on his shirtsleeve. “I don’t think he’ll like it, but… I’ll see. I love him so much, it’s ridiculous, isn’t it?”

“It’s adorable,” Dave answered, smiling. “You’re adorable. Sollux is adorable. So fucking cute. I just want to stick you both in my pockets so I can pet your heads all the time.”

“Fuck you, you condescending shit.” He grinned despite himself, chuckling, and pushed his empty coffee cup aside. He leaned across the table and kissed Dave softly. “I’d better let you get back to work,” he murmured. “Thanks, Dave. This was good. We should do it again.”

Dave smiled as he stood. “Yeah, of course. You know where to find me. Obviously, since you dragged me out of there already.”

“Yeah. Okay.” He took a few steps towards the door, then turned and hurried back, wrapping his arms around Dave and kissing him hungrily before breaking away and dashing away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://discord.gg/pswqc6P https://discord.gg/pswqc6P https://discord.gg/pswqc6P
> 
> Join us, dude. I'm going to pimp this thing so hard. I have no shame.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super quick pesterlog chapter! 
> 
> Also, we have art! Some lovely pieces by [khie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/khie):
> 
> [Karkat Seeing Dave's Eyes](http://i.imgur.com/84t5y9x.jpg)  
> [Nerdy Sollux](http://i.imgur.com/JYcdOIJ.jpg)  
> [The Boys](http://i.imgur.com/pR4jl4L.jpg)  
> Something that hasn't happened, but should: [Video Game Battle](http://i.imgur.com/1QBbIzz.jpg)  
> And delivered just as I was getting ready to post the chapter: [Rose](http://i.imgur.com/zSGnFqI.jpg)  
> ETA: [The Strider-Lalonde Family](http://i.imgur.com/r6fyK01.jpg)

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxillatrix [GA]\--  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: I’VE DONE SOMETHING STUPID.  
CG: OR MAYBE NOT, I DON’T KNOW.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK?  
GA: You Havent Told Me What Youve Done Yet  
GA: So I Dont Know  
CG: I TOOK DAVE OUT.  
CG: ON A DATE.  
CG: A DATE DATE. FOR REAL.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Thats  
GA: Interesting  
GA: How Did That Go  
CG: IT… IT WENT WELL. IT WENT VERY WELL.  
CG: KANAYA…  
CG: I’M SO FLUSHED FOR HIM, I CAN’T HELP IT.  
GA: Oh My  
GA: Far Be It For Me To Be Ah  
GA: Unsupportive  
GA: But May I Ask  
GA: What About Sollux  
CG: I’M WORKING ON THAT.  
CG: DAVE SAYS I CAN BE FLUSHED FOR BOTH OF THEM AND HE DOESN’T MIND.  
CG: I JUST HAVE TO ASK SOLLUX ABOUT IT.  
CG: IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT… FUCK, I LOVE THEM BOTH, KANAYA. I REALLY DO.  
GA: I See  
GA: What If Sollux Doesnt Agree To This Scheme  
CG: I DON’T KNOW. I GUESS I TRY TO SWITCH BLACK FOR HIM?  
CG: HE ALREADY SAID THAT WAS OKAY. THE IDIOT.  
GA: Im Sorry I Have To Answer Someone

 

\--  twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling grimAuxillatrix [GA]\--  
TA: kn have you heard from kk?  
TA: hes not an2weriing me  
TA: fuck what diid ii do thii2 tiime?  
GA: Calm Down Sollux  
GA: Im Talking To Karkat Now  
GA: We Are Working Through Some Things  
GA: Without Betraying My Moirails Trust I Can Inform You That He Is Not Mad At You  
GA: However The Rest I Will Leave For Him To Communicate To You  
\--  grimAuxillatrix [GA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

 

GA: All Right What Were We Talking About  
CG: HOW HORRIBLE I AM AT BEING A MATESPRIT?  
GA: No Not That  
GA: Karkat  
GA: You Are Not Horrible  
GA: You Are Doing Your Best  
GA: And Sollux Knows That  
GA: On That Note  
GA: Perhaps You Should Speak To Him  
CG: UGHHHHH.  
CG: OF COURSE I’M GOING TO TALK TO HIM.  
CG: I’M JUST NOT READY TO GO BACK TO THE HIVE YET.  
CG: I’M HAVING A COFFEE.  
CG: TO CLEAR MY HEAD FROM MY COFFEE DATE.  
CG: SHUT UP, IT MADE SENSE AT THE TIME.  
GA: I Did Not Say Anything  
CG: RIGHT, OKAY. ANYWAY. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS TWO MATESPRITS THING?  
CG: IT’S KIND OF CRAZY, BUT… FUCK, I WANT IT SO BADLY.  
GA: Then All I Can Say Is Give It A Chance  
GA: Talk To Sollux  
GA: I Hope He Will Listen  
CG: THANKS, KANAYA.  
CG: <>  
GA: <>  
\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxillatrix [GA] \--

 

\--  twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
TA: kk  
TA: kk  
TA: come on an2wer me.  
TA: kk, where are you?  
TA: kn 2aiid youre ok.  
TA: but youre 2tiill not talkiing to me.  
TA: kk, come on.  
\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] is idle  \--  
TA: FUCK.  
\--  twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

 

\--  twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TA: hey douchebag.  
TA: have you 2een kk?  
TA: ii cant fiind out anythiing other than he2 ok and not mad at me.  
TA: but 2he wont betray hii2 tru2t and tell me what the fuck ii2 goiing on!  
TA: FUCK.  
TA: 2o what the fuck ii2 goiing on?  
TG: oh hey sollux  
TG: hows it going  
TA: how do you thiink iit2 goiing, iim talkiing to you!  
TA: ii mu2t be out of my miind.  
TG: chill bro  
TG: hes probably just thinking shit out  
TG: he really loves you you know  
TG: so you dont have anything to worry about  
TA: how the fuck would you know, you a22hole?  
TG: we talked about you  
TG: and how fucking adorable you are  
TG: we reached a consensus  
TG: it was completely  
TG: you are completely adorable and should be snuggled  
TG: hell be home to do it soon i bet  
TA: fuck you, you iin2ufferable priick.  
TG: no seriously hes crazy about you  
TG: would rather die than hurt you  
TG: so romantic im gonna cry  
TG: anyway just chill and hell come back to you and everything will be awesome  
TG: trust me  
\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  twinArmageddons [TA] \--

 

\--  caligulasAquarium [CA]  began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
CA: you ready for tonight  
CA: wwhen i get to showw you the time a your life  
TT: Oh, really. I’m certainly looking forward to that.  
TT: The time of my life has as yet been an unobtainable figment just beyond my grasp.  
TT: Some pretty spectacular times fell just short, and made the entire proceedings feel like a waste.  
TT: I’ll see you in three hours and eleven minutes precisely.  
TT: Don’t be late.  
\--  timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased pestering  caligulasAquarium [CA]  \--

 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TG: daaaaaaaaaaaave  
TG: uncle dave cmon hows it haingin  
TG: *hangin  
TG: mom says we can come visit  
TG: its gonna be AWESOME  
TG: to the max  
TG: fuck yeah rox its going to be the best thing ever  
TG: all my girls coming home  
TG: lol whut your the one who left  
TG: mom says you should come home isntead  
TG: naw come on you got to come out here ive got a surprise for you  
TG: thats probably going to be in the news before your birthday but its totally your present  
TG: just dont look at the news at all so i can surprise you ok  
TG: hahaha ok unc ill do that  
TG: best niece ever  
TG: love you  
TG: take care of your mom  
TG: righto!!!  
\--  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
CG: <3  
\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TG: aww babe  
TG: fuck youre gone

 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]\--  
CG: <3  
\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
TA: kk  
TA: waiit  
TA: FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to us! https://discord.gg/pswqc6P


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A date and some gossip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter took so long. Lots of real life issues. Finally got it done, though, and I hope it's worth the wait.
> 
> Join us on Discord: https://discord.gg/pswqc6P We're a happy little family.

He stared into the mirror, reaching up and gently teasing a few strands of purple hair out of the black and back with their fellows. Another bit was carefully smoothed down. He leaned closer, examining every minute detail of his face. A slight nod was finally granted. He looked good. Damned good. He smirked and tossed his head slightly, letting his hair settle naturally again, and, yes, perfectly. It would do. 

Turning from the vanity table, he crossed to the opposite wall. It was lined with floor-to-ceiling mirrors, some panels hinged to allow them to pull out and be angled. It was important to know that his back looked as good as every other part of him. He turned slowly, looking down over his well tailored black suit. Not a wrinkle in sight. His jeweled cufflinks flashed in the light, matching two of the five rings on his long, elegant fingers. Several gold and silver chains circled his neck. Thin chains, though. He wasn’t being flashy. 

He reached for the hook and flipped the cape hanging there onto his shoulders, clasping it with a jeweled pin. Black velvet lined with deep purple silk. Very elegant. He took another look in the mirror and nodded sharply. 

Time to go knock him dead. A smirk crossed his face and he sauntered to the door. 

 

Eridan Ampora stepped out of his Lamborghini and onto the curb, cape swishing about his ankles. He looked up at the building with a look of distaste. It seemed to be one of the humans’ communal hivestems, and not a particularly well-kept one at that. His lip curled as he moved up the concrete path towards the door. Luckily before he even reached towards the handle, the door opened and the human stepped out. 

“Dirk,” he said with a sigh of relief. He reached out and took a possessive hold on the human’s elbow. “You live here?” he asked, disbelief evident in his tone.

The man’s head dropped, eyes shrouded behind dark glasses presumably taking in the hand on his arm, then lifted again. His eyebrow quirked slightly but he didn’t comment. “Yeah,” he answered with a tiny shrug. “Bro keeps it out of appreciation of irony. He could move anywhere in the city he wanted. But this is home.” 

Dirk’s eyebrow raised more as they approached the street. “Nice car,” he said dryly. “It matches your cape.” 

He’d had the car painted in his color, of course. Unlike some of the trolls here he still had standards. “Yeah, thanks,” he said, opening the door for his companion.

The other didn’t move to get in yet, however. He looked up at the troll, his lip curved just slightly upward. “If I’d known we were dressing up, I’d have worn my Phantom of the Opera mask.” 

“You look good, though,” Eridan said, letting his eyes roam over the human. Black jeans and an orange buttoned shirt, tucked in neatly. His hair styled to perfection. He was tall, for a human, so he came up just past his chin. It wasn’t often that he considered humans as prospective quadrantmates, but this one’s sheer moxie when he’d approached him that night had been compelling. 

If the man was always that impudent, this looked to be an interesting experiment. 

He touched a pale cheek gently with one sharp claw tip, just enough to apply pressure, not pierce the skin. The lips still held that quirk that could be anything. Eridan leaned forward and kissed him softly, hand still on the car’s door. He pulled back and gazed into the dark glasses, his own eyes flashing violet. “Get in the car,” he said. “We’re not gettin’ anything done like this.”

“Mm.” The unreadable smile widened just slightly. “Which option gets me more of that?” 

His fins twitched, infusing with cool blood, turning the skin a deep violet gray. Fuck, he was going to come across as desperate. Just because it had been a few sweeps… He was fine. He was. “Just get in the car.” He turned quickly, his cape flowing around him as he walked back to his side. 

He heard a soft chuckle and the car door closing. He slid in behind the wheel, glancing over at the human. His fins twitched in agitation. He had to stop letting this guy get to him. He was fucking royalty, after all. He should be able to handle one date without getting flustered. The human should be the one getting uneasy. He was the lucky one here. 

Right. He set his shoulders and started the car, putting one hand on the wheel, the other going to rest languidly on Dirk’s knee. The man’s hand dropped onto his, stroking his skin gently with his soft fingers. He let out a choked noise and started driving quickly, his claws pricking through the human’s jeans.

“Easy, hot stuff,” Dirk drawled, patting his hand. He forced himself to let up, not wanting to hurt him. Humans were so fucking fragile. He’d have to get used to that. And pretty quick. Unless this didn’t go anywhere, and it really looked like it was going somewhere. 

And he liked the idea. A lot. Not just because he was a pathetic, lonely jerk, either. Dirk was pretty cool. 

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
TG: rose   
TG: rose   
TG: rose   
TG: rose   
TG: rose   
TG: rose   
TG: come on i know rox put pesterchum on your stuff she told me she would  
TG: and that this is your handle  
TG: rose answer me this is important  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TT: David.  
TT: It is customary to give someone a chance to respond before bombarding them with accusations of failure to respond.   
TG: you should answer faster  
TT: You first messaged me fewer than two minutes ago, David.   
TT: Now, I gather some urgent matter is afoot.  
TT: Pray enlighten me to the foreboding catastrophe.   
TG: i just saw our bro sneaking out of the apartment  
TG: all dressed up  
TG: i think hes got a date  
TT: Really? He’s actually interacting with someone that he didn’t build in his bedroom?   
TG: i dont know but its totally suspicious right  
TG: hes wearing that orange shirt you bought him   
TG: the one he said hed never wear because it was too classy or whatever  
TT: I believe he said “preppy.” But yes, this is a surprise. What action do you intend to pursue?  
TT: I suggest following him and spying out every pertinent detail about this “date” and his presumed romantic partner.   
TT: Has he given any other indications of such a thing transpiring?  
TG: dude hes been in his room fucking with shit i dont understand  
TG: maybe he met someone at camp  
TG: some other socially awkward genius with a hot ass  
TG: thats what boys do at camp right make out when no ones looking  
TG: its a boy right thats what we all think  
TG: i mean there could have been girls at robot camp this is the twenty first century  
TG: feminism am i right  
TG: but dirks totally gay right  
TT: He still hasn’t told you? You must be a horrible brother.   
TG: what i cant go up and ask him thats so not cool  
TG: he hasnt told you has he  
TG: that is so unfair  
TT: No, he hasn’t told me his sexual preferences.  
TT: Possibly because I’m not fixated on the idea.   
TG: good because were tight and i should be the first one he tells  
TG: ill fight anyone who gets told first  
TT: It’s a distinct possibility that he would talk to Roxy. They’re very close, you know.   
TT: And of very similar age.  
TT: And she’s not his guardian.   
TG: fuck man stop trying to make me cry  
TG: worst sister ever  
TT: Thank you, David. I’ll leave you to ponder our younger brother’s activities in peace, now. I am rather busy completing this draft for my editor.  
TT: I will not let my daughter starve so that you can indulge in your thirst for hot gossip.  
TG: please roxys not going to starve youd starve for attention from your loving snooty fans thats what you mean  
TT: Goodbye, David.   
\--  tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]\--

 

Dates weren’t the kind of thing he usually did. It required a kind of investment he felt he wasn’t capable of. This was going fairly well, though. Surprisingly well. There’d been a brief moment of sheer _what the fuck_ when he’d seen what the troll had been wearing, but that had quickly been replaced by sardonic amusement. Apparently schoolgirl drag was appropriate for clubbing, but date night was reserved for full formal snobbery. 

The cape was ridiculous, but kind of hot. 

He could see it laid out on the floor under them. 

Conversation between them had flowed smoothly, covering their various interests, his in robotics and mythology, Eridan’s love of military history, both troll and human, primitive as human warfare was, in his view. He’d been impressed with the troll’s knowledge. They’d managed to while away the entire meal pleasantly, through to dessert and a couple cups of coffee, wasting time so they wouldn’t have to leave. 

Dirk had been amused by Eridan’s obvious ploy when ordering his refill. 

However, there was only so much time they could spend sitting in a lavish restaurant. There was no doubt that the troll was flaunting his status for his date. Dirk wasn’t impressed, but he appreciated the gesture. 

He drained the last of his coffee and glanced at Eridan’s largely untouched cup, standing and stretching languidly. The troll’s eyes roamed over him without any attempt at hiding his interest. Heat pooled in Dirk’s stomach, and he fought down a blush. Fuck. It wasn’t as if guys didn’t lech over him all the time. He shouldn’t be affected by a simple glance. 

“Let’s get out of here, sexy,” he said, his voice firm, unwavering. He wasn’t about to appear uncertain for even the slightest moment. 

Eridan didn’t even look at his coffee, dropping some cash on the table without counting it and following him eagerly. Fuck, it was almost too easy. He had this guy eating out of the palm of his hand after just one dinner. 

He led the troll out of the restaurant and over to his ostentatious car. Leaning against the hood, he beckoned him closer with one finger, a smirk on his lips. The taller alien loomed over him, bending down to claim his lips quickly, his fingers curling around the back of Dirk’s neck. He let Eridan kiss him for a long moment, reciprocating because, yes, it was pretty good, before pulling back. He put a hand on the troll’s cheek to restrain him as he leaned back in. “Hey, real talk for a second, okay?” he said huskily. 

Violet eyes gazed down at him in confusion, but Eridan didn’t push against him. “Yeah?” he asked, blinking. 

Dirk studied him for a pregnant moment before speaking. “You’re fucking gorgeous,” he said quietly. “I would like nothing more than to blow you in the backseat of this extremely expensive car.” He paused to watch the way the troll swallowed at the words, the fins along his neck trembling invitingly. “However,” he said finally, lifting a hand, “I’m seventeen. I’m guessing you’re a lot older.” 

The troll shrugged. “Human time never made sense to me,” he said. “What’s that mean?”

His lip quirked slightly. “The state of California declares it illegal for an adult to have sexual relations with anyone younger than eighteen years of age.” 

“Oh.” Eridan blinked again. “So, uh…” 

“So why am I leading you on?” Dirk asked dryly. “I’m not, or rather, only to some extent. I would definitely be interested in seeing if we can keep this going until I can legally have my way with you. It’ll only be a few months. My birthday’s in the beginning of December. Do you think I’m worth sticking around for?” He stared up into the troll’s eyes through his dark glasses. 

Eridan answered quickly. “Yeah. A course.” His eyes were almost distressingly genuine. 

“Well, then.” He ran his fingers along the edge of Eridan’s fin, watching the way he shivered. “Let’s see how that goes, then.” 

“So kissin’ you’s okay, still?” A cool hand touched his cheek questioningly, and Dirk nodded in acquiescence. The troll leaned forward eagerly, mouth melding against his hungrily. They only broke away when the manager of the restaurant politely but coldly asked them to move along. 

Eridan kissed him again outside of the apartment when he dropped him off, and Dirk was smiling when he slipped inside.

Until the light snapped on, and he saw his older brother sprawled on the couch, an eyebrow raised over his aviator sunglasses. “Have a good time?” he asked.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A much needed talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dudes. Thanks for sticking with me. I am so sorry it took so long to write this super short chapter. I want to assure you that I'm still working on this, and don't intend to give up on it. My new job is overworking me like crazy, and I've been exhausted and stressed during my downtime, so writing didn't really happen much. Hopefully things will get better soon and I'll get back into the swing of things. 
> 
> Hop on our Discord server to get updates on my writing process and to make sure I'm not abandoning anything: https://discord.gg/pswqc6P

The paper cup in his hands was empty. Which was good news, because he’d just clenched it hard enough to drive his claws through it. At least he hadn’t been showered with scalding roasted bean fluid. 

He had to go back to the hive and talk to Sollux. He'd put it off long enough. And his matesprit was worried. He knew that both from Kanaya and the myriad of Trollian messages he'd been ignoring for hours. Oh, gog, he was such an asshole. He rubbed his forehead, his other hand further crushing the cup it still held.

With a muttered curse he pushed his chair back and stood, stalking to the trashcan and dropping the mutilated beverage container in. Time to stop being a little pupa. He set his jaw and went out to his car. Once behind the wheel he let out a harsh breath. This was fucking stupid. It was just Sollux. The man who’d been his best friend for as long as he could remember, and his lover for about half that time. 

He drove slowly, fiddling with the radio every two minutes. Fuck. He was nervous. He was obviously fucking nervous and lying to himself wasn’t doing anything to help that. 

His foot hit the accelerator, boosting the car's speed by fifty percent. Yeah. Way to not be a complete loser, he told himself. Way to go. He scowled at himself as he turned into his street. All right. This was it. Time to stop being a useless asshole and go be a productive asshole. 

He parked and climbed out of the car, taking a deep breath as he walked towards the hive he shared with his matesprit. Before he could climb the steps the front door opened and the taller troll hurried out. “KK?” he said, stopping and gazing down at him, his worry obvious on his face and in his voice. 

Karkat stared up at him. Fuck, he was horrible. How could he ever put that expression on his matesprit’s face? He scurried up the stairs and threw his arms around Sollux. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, eyes squeezing shut. “I’m so fucking sorry, Sollux.” 

Despite his best efforts he felt his eyes growing wet, and Sollux’s arms tightened around him. “Hey, KK, don’t cry, thit, babe. It’th okay.” He felt lips in his hair, right between his horns. He tangled his fists in Sollux’s shirt, pressing his face against his chest. 

“Okay, theriouthly, chill the fuck out,” Sollux went on, rubbing his back slowly. “I take it the date went really well and made you happy, which ith why you’re here now crying like an idiot, right? Tho I thould thtart getting ready to flip for you.” 

Karkat pulled back and scowled, shoving his chest. “No!” he said loudly. “I don’t want that. You never fucking listen to me!” He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “Sollux,” he said softly. “I’m so fucking flushed for you. I don’t want us to change. But… I want Dave, too.” He opened his eyes and looked up at him, letting all his vulnerability show to his matesprit. “Please, just listen to me. This… this is going to sound crazy, but… it’s what I want.” 

Sollux looked down at him through his multi-hued glasses. “Crathier than uth flipping pitch tho you can fuck a human?” he asked dryly. 

“Shut up, Sollux! I don’t want to fuck him.” Karkat crossed his arms and scowled. 

“Bullthit.”

“I said shut up.” He glared up at the taller troll. “Let’s go inside, okay? So we can talk.” He pulled away and went inside without waiting for an answer. He dropped into a chair at the dining block table and put his elbows on the surface, holding his chin in his hands. In a moment Sollux sat down across from him. 

Orange claws tapped a rhythm in 2/2 time on the table before the other troll spoke. “Tho. You wanted to talk, KK?” he asked, obviously unsettled. 

Karkat raised his head and reached across the table, covering Sollux’s hand with his own and stilling his restless fidgeting. “I’m so flushed for you,” he said softly. “I don’t think anything can change that. I’ve read all the stories, written some of them, too. I know that vacillation is supposed to prevent infidelity. But… Would it be infidelity if you knew about it? If you gave permission?” He looked up at him, his scarlet eyes wide and hopeful, though fear lurked in them as well. 

The room was silent. “Sollux?” Karkat asked, biting his lip almost hard enough to bleed. “Please say something. If it’s not cool, I’ll tell Dave to fuck off. I promise. I love you.” 

“Heh.” 

He looked up, surprised to see a bit of a smile around Sollux’s lips. “What?” he asked nervously.

“You want two matethpritth. Eheheh. You bathtard, you know how I feel about twoth.” 

Karkat could feel his heart lifting. “So… We can do this? You’ll let me?” He gripped Sollux’s hand tightly, staring into his multi-colored glasses. 

His matesprit lifted the glasses so he could look directly into his eyes. “KK… Yeah, thure, whatever. Might ath well give it a thot. You’re already doing it, anyway. Tho I either go along with it, or, you know, everything goeth to thit.” He shrugged and dropped his glasses back into place. 

Karkat jumped up and circled the table, throwing his arms around the taller troll. “I love you so fucking much,” he said excitedly. 

“Yeah, well, you better,” Sollux grumbled, pushing him away with a wry smile. “I don’t want to get kicked out.” 

“Shut up, idiot.” Karkat kissed him enthusiastically, then dashed off to his computer.

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HE SAID YES!

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

And then he went back to show Sollux just how much he appreciated him.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk gets interrogated and Dave gets some good news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is a little short, but I wanted to get something out to you guys since I've kept you waiting. I've had a few other projects going on.

Dirk’s face snapped into an expressionless mask, eyes squinting against the sudden light, even behind his dark glasses. “Yes,” he said, his voice level. “A very good time. Are you spying on me? Because you’re not doing a very good job.” 

“What, no, of course not. Just making sure my little baby bro is chill.” Dave smiled and spread his arms. “So, hot date?” 

“What makes you think it was a date?” Dirk asked, turning his head to stare at one of the SBAHJ posters on the wall. “Perhaps I was just out.” 

His older brother grinned. “Come the fuck on, bro. Look at you. All dressed up and embarrassed as fuck. So who's the lucky lady or dude?” 

Dirk turned back towards him. “Myself,” he said drily. “I wanted to make this time special. I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I didn't take me out for a good meal first.”

Dave raised an eyebrow. “You pet the dachshund in front of the mirror?” 

“Of course. I like to pretend it's my own hand. That makes it so much hotter.” He lifted one hand and gazed at it with simulated passion. 

“Whatever floats your boat of special alone fun time. Anyway, tell me about the date. And your date. Come on, dude.”

Dirk gave him a pointed look. “Oh my god, you’re worse than Rose.”

His brother’s hands flew to his heart, his mouth opening in a gasp as he fell backwards against the couch. “How could you be so cruel, my only brother? My dearest and most trusted baby bro?” 

The boy snorted incredulously. “Did you forget who raised me? Here’s a hint, it wasn’t you.” Well, that wasn’t precisely true. Dave had been around when he was young. He hadn’t moved to California until Dirk was about ten. But the so-called “nurturing” influence had been the undisputed queen of darkness herself, celebrated author and professional goth Rose Lalonde. 

“I should have sued for custody years ago,” Dave grumbled. “Flighty broads ruining the youth of today…” 

Dirk rolled his eyes and stalked past him to the hall. “I’m going to bed. Don’t follow me. This discussion is over.” 

“Hey, who the fuck is the adult here? I’ll say when the discussion is over. Oh, you’re gone, I guess it’s over. Fuck,” Dave’s voice followed him, though the man made no move to do likewise. He was still muttering when Dirk’s bedroom door shut firmly but without the passionate teenage slamming that one might expect. 

 

After fifteen minutes of monologuing about ungrateful brats who should have been left on a doorstep in a basket (not a nice basket, one of those cheap plastic easter baskets with the neon “grass” strips as a blanket), Dave Strider sat down at his computer to update his awful, child corrupting harpy of a sister on their brother’s romantic life. As always a lot of windows started blinking when he signed onto Pesterchum. Since this was his personal account, he trolled a lot of people anonymously on it. Obviously. 

He was clicking through the messages when he noticed one of the few important names on his chumroll blinking. He quickly opened that window. 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HE SAID YES!

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: what seriously fuck yeah

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle troll!  \--

TG: aw come on baby dont leave me like this   
TG: we should totally be sexting right now   
TG: hey baby what are you wearing   
TG: nothing but your smile thats hot   
TG: seriously karks dont leave me hanging   
TG: fuck   
TG: ill see you soon right call me when you get this

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

He stared at his computer for a moment, tapping his fingers against the desk. Fuck this, he couldn’t sit still. He scooped up his cellphone and left his apartment, taking the stairs two at a time and hitting the street. He walked quickly down the street, a streetlight flickering above him before going dark. He ignored the possible danger of shadows in a run down area, pulling his phone out of his pocket and hitting the speed dial button for his sister. 

“David, you do remember that it is much later on this side of the country, do you not?”

“Shut the fuck up. You’re a horrible sister and I’ve got a hot troll boyfriend,” he said quickly. 

A sigh met his statement. “In what way am I a horrible sister, and pray tell me everything about your hot troll boyfriend, since that’s obviously why you called me. Did you find a troll-centric mail order bride service? If I recall, the trolls you were courting were dating. Each other. Though it is possible that I invented that in the sheer boredom of listening to you go on about your relationship issues.” 

“You’ve ruined Dirk, seriously. He’s just like you. It’s awful. And he was totally out on a date and won’t tell me anything about it because you taught him to be a cryptic jackass.” Dave was breathing a little heavily as he walked the darkened streets. “Okay, yeah, they are, but my Karks wants to do an open relationship thing and his boytoy said it was okay, apparently. I just got the message. So I guess we’re a thing now.” His heart sped at the very idea. God. Karkat Vantas was officially his boyfriend. 

“Well, that sounds like a very measured response to being asked invasive questions,” Rose answered. “I’ll talk to him, though, and make sure he’s all right.” There was a brief pause, and she sighed. “David… please be careful. You have no idea if this situation will work out for you. Don’t throw your heart out to be trampled.” 

“Pfft, shows what you know, everything’s perfect and I’m gonna have hot troll sex,” he said. He glared angrily at the dark window of a deli. He’d been working so hard for this, why she gotta be like that? he wondered. He kicked a bottle that had been left on the sidewalk. 

“David, please. I’m just worried about you. You know that.”

“Look, I’m fine. I’m a grownup. I can do shit on my own.” He shrugged his shoulders irritably. Fucking big sisters, thinking they could mother you just because they mostly raised you. He sighed roughly. “Can’t you just be happy for me for once?”

There was a moment of silence from the phone. “I am often happy for you,” Rose said softly. “You have a career you love, and you’ve made good friends with your cast and crew, and you have a good relationship with our brother. I am very happy for you, Dave. And I hope to be happy for you in this case as well, but I can’t at this point. I do hope it goes well. I’m not rubbing my hands in glee at the idea of your misery. I am merely hoping to abjure that possible misery. David… good luck.” There was a beep and more silence. He looked down at his phone’s wallpaper. Feeling oddly shaken, he dropped the phone back into his pocket. What the fuck had just happened? 

Keeping his face as expressionless as always, he turned and walked slowly back to his apartment.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys set up a date. And issues are addressed. Or partially addressed. Or at least considered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jegus, it's been a long time, and I want to apologize for that. Last summer I had some serious health issues go down. and it's been a long crawl back from that. I'm just getting over bronchitis right now but I managed to finish up this chapter I'd started to try to get done for the first year anniversary (Nov. 1). Obviously that went well, right? 
> 
> I can't believe I've been doing this for well over a year. It's my best progress with a story, ever. I'm proud of it, and I'm even more astonished that other people like it as much as I do. 
> 
> Thank you, dudes. You're all the best. 
> 
> Veet
> 
> (P.S.: I still have a Discord server. https://discord.gg/pswqc6P It's not super active, but it always picks up if new people join, and I'm always there. It's also a great place to find out if I'm still alive and what I'm working on.)

Karkat pulled himself out of his recuperacoon. Even the sopor wasn’t calming him tonight. He glanced at Sollux’s ‘coon with a soft smile. Of course he’d been worn out enough by their lovemaking. Karkat should have been, too, but he couldn’t stop thinking about, well, Dave. He flushed and looked away from Sollux’s sleeping spot. He shouldn’t feel guilty, Sollux said it was okay, right? Right. He took a deep breath and let it out. 

Afther ducking quickly into the shower to rinse off the sopor, he threw on PJ pants and grabbed his phone, going downstairs to sit on the couch. Trollian was blinking, and he pulled up the last messages. 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HE SAID YES!

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: what seriously fuck yeah

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle troll! --

TG: aw come on baby dont leave me like this   
TG: we should totally be sexting right now   
TG: hey baby what are you wearing   
TG: nothing but your smile thats hot   
TG: seriously karks dont leave me hanging   
TG: fuck   
TG: ill see you soon right call me when you get this

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

He blushed hotly, but a smile crossed his face. How could Dave be such an asshole and so adorable at the same time? He quickly typed into his phone.

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: I HAVE PANTS ON, YOU DOUCHE.   
CG: ARE YOU AWAKE?   
CG: I’D LOVE TO TALK, BUT I DON’T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.   
CG: I CAN’T SLEEP. 

He set the phone down and flipped through channels for a few minutes before his alert sound went off. He snatched it up quickly to see his new message. 

TG: oh hey babe   
TG: sup   
TG: shame about the pants though want to do something about that   
CG: NO! JEGUS, WHY THE FUCK DID I WANT TO TALK TO YOU?   
TG: aw babe dont be like that   
TG: seriously whats up   
CG: NOTHING, REALLY. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW. YOU, AND ME. US.    
TG: anything good    
TG: how naked were we in this thinking you were doing   
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.    
TG: hey now just chill babe   
TG: i brought you imaginary flowers first   
TG: pile of rose petals   
TG: laid you down gently   
TG: looked into your eyes   
TG: said some romantic crap   
CG: YOU WERE DOING ALL RIGHT UP TILL THERE.    
CG: YOU’RE AN IDIOT.   
CG: ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING TOMORROW?   
TG: you   
TG: nah jk im free for whatever   
TG: itd be great to see you   
TG: if thats what youre asking   
TG: you want to get dinner   
CG: LUNCH?   
CG: I DON’T WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG.   
TG: yeah sure lunch is great   
TG: i eat the fuck out of lunch   
TG: want me to pick you up   
TG: uh is that awkward   
TG: sollux is really okay with this yeah   
TG: hes not going to punch me if i pick you up   
CG: HE SAID HE’S FINE, DON’T WORRY.    
CG: <3   
TG: dude that is so gay   
TG: <3   
CG: FUCK YOU, YOU’RE HUMAN GAY.    
TG: only sometimes   
TG: but totally gay for you baby   
CG: YOU’RE AN IDIOT, DAVE.   
CG: SO I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW?   
TG: only if you keep your eyes open   
TG: but thats up to you babe   
CG: YOU ARE SO FUCKING DUMB.   
CG: <3   
CG: TOMORROW, THEN.   
TG: wait are you leaving   
TG: we can keep talking   
TG: unless you want to sleep i guess its pretty late   
TG: but i dont need sleep im a god among men   
CG: YOU’RE A MORON AMONG IDIOTS.   
TG: but you <3 me   
TG: said so yourself   
TG: just up there   
TG: immortalized for posterity   
TG: immortal posterior   
TG: my godly ass   
CG: OH MY GOG, SHUT UP.    
TG: not until you admit that you like my ass   
CG: YOU ARE AN ASS, AND I SUPPOSE I LIKE YOU.   
CG: SO.    
TG: fuck yeah   
TG: ill take it   
TG: im glad you decided to be up all night   
TG: and that you wanted to talk   
TG: i uh i missed you   
TG: however pathetic that sounds   
CG: OH, DAVE.   
CG: THAT’S NOT PATHETIC.   
CG: IT’S SWEET.   
CG: I MISSED YOU,TOO.    
CG: THAT’S WHY I WANTED TO SEE YOU.   
CG: IDIOT. <3   
TG: aw youre sweet   
TG: so yeah cant wait to see you honeybuns   
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?   
TG: yeah of course sugardrawers   
CG: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.    
TG: nah then you wont have a chance at any of this   
TG: and you really want some of this   
CG: I’M STARTING TO WONDER WHY.   
CG: I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, IDIOT.   
CG: GET SOME SLEEP.   
CG: <3

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

 

Cool fingers brushed his cheek. One eye cracked open. “Five more minutes, ‘Naya,” he muttered. He reached up and pushed her hand away. Wait, what? He opened his eyes and looked up at her, confused. He wasn’t a wiggler in his ‘coon. Why was his moirail here now? 

“Sweetheart, why are you sleeping on the sofa?” A weight settled beside his legs, and those gentle fingers continued to stroke his face. “Did you have a fight?” 

He blinked and sat up. “What, no. I fell asleep watching TV.” After messaging Dave for a while. He blushed slightly. “Anyway, what are you doing here?” 

“I was in the neighborhood doing some shopping, and I thought I wouldd come see you and Sollux.” The older troll smiled warmly and ran her fingers through his hair. “Where is he, by the way?” 

“How the fuck would I know? You woke me up. Right here you can see everything I'm aware of, mainly my moirail looming over my sleeping form like some pale porn pervert,” he groused. However, he closed his eyes and leaned into her hand. She always knew just what to do. “He's probably still in his 'coon,” he added after a moment. “He's never up this early unless he stayed up all night or has work.”

Kanaya chuckled softly. “Well, I will make sure to see him before I leave, at least.” She smiled fondly before her expression turned serious. “Karkat, love, how are you, really? Has the situation resolved itself yet?” 

“Yeah,” he said with a smile he would always deny was goofy in any way. “I'm having lunch with Dave today. It's going to be nice.”

The older woman still looked concerned. “And Sollux?” she asked softly.

“It's fine, we talked about it. He knows I still love him.” 

“That is good,” she said softly. 

Karkat looked up at her, sitting up and stretching. “What about you?” he asked. “We've been so busy with my continuous bullshit lately that I forgot to ask about your quadrants. Anything going on there? Prospects?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Karkat, really. If there were anything going on I would have told you.” She patted his cheek gently. “You have not neglected me. Do not feel guilty.”

“I don't feel guilty, shut up. We should find you someone. You're too wonderful to stick with me all the time.” He prodded her side gently. 

She laughed softly. “Karkat, love, life is not a romance novel, you know. I’m perfectly happy as I am.” She tugged gently on a lock of his hair. “Do not worry so much about me.” 

He snorted and rolled his eyes. “I’m not a wiggler anymore. I can take care of you, now. I’m your moirail, for fuck’s sake.” He watched her carefully. She seemed sincere, but she’d always been good at keeping her thoughts and emotions hidden from him, from the ‘don’t worry the wigglers’ days. Sometimes he wondered if she ever really accepted that he’d grown up, even though they were officially equals sharing a quadrant. He’d keep an eye out for someone suitable for her. He was a fucking expert on this, after all. He’d be able to hook her up. He’d have to think over all the matesprits and kismises she’d had over the years, work out what she would most like. It shouldn’t be too hard. 

“Karkat? Sweetheart, you look miles away.” 

He blinked. “Oh. Right. Just thinking. Anyway.” He waved a hand. “I need to pick out what to wear to have lunch with Dave. I don’t know what he has planned, so I have to get something nice but not too nice…” 

That started her listing off possible outfits for him, based on her memory of his wardrobe, which was extensive. He’d learned long ago that the best way to distract her, or to cheer her up, was to open a discussion on fashion. It was manipulative, perhaps, but he was going to use her advice. Because he wasn’t an idiot and he wanted to look good. 

They’d almost worked out exactly what he should wear when there were footsteps on the stairs. “Jeguth, you’re talking about clotheth? Give me the couch, I want to play Halo.” He waved his hands. “Move. Go talk clotheth thomewhere elthe.” 

Kanaya stood and went to him. “Sollux, my darling, it is lovely to see you,” she said. She wrapped her arms around him. 

“Get off, I’m not a wiggler,” he said, blushing yellow and pushing her arms away. She hugged him as long as she could before pulling away with a soft laugh. 

“Shut up and sit down, idiot,” Karkat said, reaching for his matesprit. “No one’s leaving. Just join us.” He grabbed Sollux’s wrist and tugged him down next to him. He leaned against his side and rested his head on his shoulder. “Did you sleep well?” 

Sollux shrugged. “Yeah, whatever. Can I play Halo or not?” 

“Ugh, no. Just sit with me a minute.” He wrapped an arm around his waist. “Is this just your normal morning crankiness or are you mad at me?” 

“Why the fuck would I be mad at you? I jutht want to play my fucking game. Aren’t you thuppothed to be working or thomething?” 

Karkat hesitated briefly. “I’m having lunch with Dave later. But… it’s personal.” 

Sollux shrugged. “Have fun, I gueth. If you leave thoon I can play Halo, right?” 

Fuck, that didn’t sound good. On the other hand, it sounded like Sollux, so how the fuck could he know? He reached up and brushed some of Sollux’s hair off his forehead. “Headache?” he murmured. 

The gangly troll winced. “A little,” he admitted.

“Okay,” Karkat murmured, kissing his cheek. “We’ll leave you alone. If the headache doesn’t go away, take your pills and stop playing the game, all right? Staring at screens just makes it worse, remember.” 

“Fuck off, you’re not my luthuth,” he muttered. But he twisted and kissed him softly. 

Karkat pulled away slowly, running a hand through his hair. “I love you, douchebag,” he said. He smiled tenderly. “We’ll get out of your way.” He got up and met Kanaya’s inscrutable expression, nodding towards the kitchen. He stalked off before her, grabbing a chair. 

She settled at the table across from him. “He might be jealous,” she said cautiously. 

“Jegus,” he said, putting his head on the table. “He’s always like this, ‘Naya. You know that. He’s got one of his migraines.” 

“All right,” she said, reaching out to stroke his hair. “Why don’t we go get you dressed, then? It should be almost time.” 

He lifted his head quickly and looked at the clock. “Fucking shitwads,” he said, scrabbling up and rushing towards the stairs. 

Kanaya followed after him, chuckling softly.


End file.
